Health and safety with Sooty

The other day I felt unsafe. This was because I’d eaten 24 jaffa cakes in a row and then I couldn’t stop farting. I’d challenge anyone to feel on top of their game after an experience like that.

It taught me how important it was to not take your life into your own hands, so once my bum had returned to normal I decided to be proactive. I watched an informative safety video, hosted by that bastion of public responsibility, Sooty.

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Learn With Sooty: Be Safe is all about how to not die if you are a hand puppet and are not alive anyway.

Fun fact: I misspelled this as ‘Lear With Sooty’, which would have been an interesting introduction to Shakespeare for the under-5s.

Will not make a hand up arse joke. Will not make a hand up arse joke. Will not make a hand up arse joke.

We follow Matthew and the gang around during a typical day. A typical day in their house includes a surprising number of life threatening accidents and stunts. Obviously, since Sooty is sort of magic and invincible, and Soo is a nagging, sensible cow, the task of getting injured falls mostly to Sweep, because Sweep is the best one. I can’t imagine how much more popular this video would have been had it just been clips of Soo getting horribly maimed. Shut up Soo, no one likes you and you smell. Continue reading “Health and safety with Sooty”

The shit stops of Playdays

On the way home the other day, I saw a lollipop sign casually leaning against a house.

Of course, it occurred to me to steal the lollipop sign. I am only human. But then I thought about all those poor starving orphans who wouldn’t be able to cross the road.

I also started thinking about Playdays.

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I remember three things about Playdays:

1. The Why Bird Stop

2. That northern kid who went “Where does it gerrr?”

3. The name of the show was always changing. I only remember three of the show’s 11,000 names – Playbus, Playdays and Playboy.

I had a Twitter conversation about Playdays, and most people agreed that the Whybird Stop was the place to be. All other stops were shit, and you might as well have been watching Spender.

Were they right about Whybird being the best stop? Are all my Twitter followers just weird morons? I don’t know, and yes.

Let’s have a look. Continue reading “The shit stops of Playdays”

Watching an episode of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares

I’m quite late to the party with this one, but never let it be said that I have my finger on the pulse.

I never knew there was so much joy to be had in watching a squashed blonde man calling rice a bastard. But someone decided to make a whole show of this concept, and the result was Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares.

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Gordon Ramsay goes into people’s restaurants and tells them their restaurants are inedible. I think the people have invited him to their restaurants, otherwise it would be a bit weird. One time I saw a woman shouting in McDonalds that they were a load of shit, but the police arrived and took away her car keys. This doesn’t happen to Gordon Ramsay in the episodes I’ve seen so far.

Ramsay is in a restaurant owned by some builders. He decides to immediately test them by ordering made up food like ‘filet mignon’. These are not names of real food, real food is called burgers and stuff. He wouldn’t be able to pull this sass in McDonalds in West Bromwich, which is where the mad lady from earlier has the upper hand on him.

Gordon Ramsay doesn’t appear to like food very much. I think he might be on a diet. He keeps trying to eat food, but then he spits it out before calling everyone a fucker. I do this sometimes, but I think it’s rude to do it with other people’s cooking. Continue reading “Watching an episode of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares”

The various mental stages of an 18 hour Peppa Pig marathon

Recently I had to watch every episode of Peppa Pig that has ever been made. This was in order to compile a list of all Miss Rabbit’s jobs, for this article.

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To date there have been 213 episodes made, including a Halloween special, a 10 minute Christmas Special, and the 15 minute cinema special Peppa Pig: The Golden Boots.

1080 minutes, or something approaching 18 hours.

There isn’t a full IMDB list for Miss Rabbit, surprisingly, so I watched all the episodes while drinking 39,734 cups of tea. This is because I am a hard hitting journalist, and in no way an idiot and a div.

I thought you might be interested to share my gradual mental breakdown with me, so I made notes as I went along. It’s surprisingly hard to make notes while you’re stuffing food in your face, swearing at the TV, crying, and trying to put your legs behind your head out of boredom, all at once. But I managed, because I am good. You haven’t done this, stop judging me. Continue reading “The various mental stages of an 18 hour Peppa Pig marathon”

Zipman and Bungle Lannister: Geeky episodes of Rainbow

Spoiler alert: this post contains spoilers for Rainbow. If you’re not up to date with Rainbow, you should probably go back and catch up on all 37,000 episodes before reading. And you see Bungle naked a bit.

The following episodes aren’t really Rainbow canon (if there is such a thing as sodding Rainbow canon. I need to go outside). I imagine Rainbow canon consists solely of something like George can’t find his jigsaw puzzle. Occasionally, the Rainbow gang would break away from this pattern and give us a nerdy homage to something like Superman or Star Trek. No I’m not joking, and no I haven’t been drinking Cillit Bang again, these episodes are real things. Allow me to demonstrate:

Batman: Zipman And Bobbin

You know this episode is going to be good right from the start, because Zippy jumps out of a box and makes Bungle shit himself. How did Zippy get in that box?

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Whatever. George joins Zippy in the box, and we take a disturbing dip into their imagination as they become ‘Zipman’ and ‘Bobbin the Boy Blunder’. Although I would have called him ‘George the killjoy who doesn’t understand jokes’.

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In a surprising twist, Geoffrey makes a bloody awesome Joker, although Bungle has made less of an effort, choosing to just be naked apart from a newspaper.

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For god’s sake Bungle, can’t you even make an effort when you’re being a Batman villain? The fact that this is all Zippy’s imagination and you have nothing to do with it is a poor excuse.

‘Joker Geoffrey’ and ‘Sourface Bungle’ have stolen all the jokes in the world so no one has anything to laugh at. Really, they should just follow me on Twitter if they want to avoid jokes. This works a bit, but they are foiled when, in an unorthodox twist, Zipman orders Bungle to fondle Geoffrey until he laughs.

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Superman : Super Bungle 

I think they chose Superman over Spider-Man because A) can you imagine Bungle in that Spider-Man lycra thing, and B) the name ‘Spider-Bungle’ is possibly too terrifying for 3 year olds to cope with. Whatever the reason, 1990 saw Bungle donning the over-underpants and the red cape to do battle with the evil Zipoid and his henchman, Mr Geoffrey.

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Zipoid wants all the toys in the world. This is ok, because apparently there are only about 30 toys in the entire world. That window is painted on.

It’s not exactly the computer bit from Superman 3, but it’s scary enough when you’re a small child. This shit terrified me back then:

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Mr Geoffrey uses ‘Bungleite’ to freeze Super Bungle to the spot so he can’t interfere. However, this magically doesn’t stop Super Bungle being able to talk. He orders George to get rid of the Bungleite Mr Geoffrey left behind; George does so, once he’s finished repeating Bungle’s orders back to him infuriatingly slowly.

Naturally Super Bungle saves the day. He does this by threatening Zipoid with… with… well I’m not sure what he’s threatening to do, but if I was Zipoid I wouldn’t want him to do it until he’d washed his hands. Bonus points for “YOU FOOL!”

If you want further mature and academic discussion about this episode, go here.

Star Trek: Outer Space

Zippy and George are manning the Bridge, Rod, Jane and Freddy are dicking about in a crater somewhere, and Bungle is a fat hairy Captain Kirk. I think Geoffrey is Uhura.

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I don’t know where they got the money for all that hi-tech equipment, like tin foil. Oh wait, they don’t have money on Star Trek do they? Whatever they use to pay for things then. Ivory?

Look at all the fancy Trek gear they have. For a start they have transporters, meaning they can make Bungle go be annoying somewhere else.

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They also have those bicycle things you get at Butlins in the 80s (shown above), and a telescope. Which Bungle isn’t even using properly.

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The plot is that they go for a day out in space. A day out. During which, Rod Jane and Freddy get into an argument with an alien because they’ve been littering, Geoffrey and Bungle get a flat tyre, and George questions the ethical ramifications of teaching Vulcans to feel love.

Game Of Thrones: King For A Day

People who have trouble equating Rainbow with Game Of Thrones have clearly never seen Bungle doing kinging.

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In this episode, Geoffrey has travelled on foot to Bungle’s kingdom, to plead for the life of Rod Jane and Freddy, who have been found guilty of conspiring to hide the storybook. Zippy, playing Tyrion, sits there taking the piss. In the end, Bungle orders Rod Jane and Freddy to be torn apart by dragons.

Back in the real world, King Bungle has actually ordered Zippy to make him some jam tarts. Then Jane turns up, who for some reason is now obese. She wants to knob King Bungle and eat his jam tarts.

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Also, in keeping with Game Of Thrones lore, and also with Bungle lore, Bungle is mostly naked.

It is my considered opinion that George rrrr Martin got the idea for Game Of Thrones from this episode. If he wants to sue me over this point, he’d have to read this blog first. Let’s face it, I think that’s unlikely to happen.

80s and 90s doll adverts: magic piss and Travelodge Barbie

I’m a girl, and as such I only like miniature versions of myself that piss and shit. Given this information, it’s no surprise that the vast majority of adverts for creepy, dead-eyed Uncanny Valley residents were aimed at me.

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Don’t get me wrong, I love dolls. Dolls don’t answer back, unless I’ve been drinking. I also love doll adverts, even though the majority are unrealistic. Doll adverts should show the doll taking part in a re-creation of some episode of Brookside that you watched with your parents and didn’t fully understand. At the very least, they should show Barbies in their natural state – naked and scribbled on with all their hair cut off.

Whatever. Let’s have a look at children who are not me playing with dolls correctly, courtesy of a bunch of random adverts I found. Continue reading “80s and 90s doll adverts: magic piss and Travelodge Barbie”