Crap Comedy Chapter 5: Forex

Crap Comedy Chapter 5: Forex

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

Oh god I’m so hungover. Fax’s plum gin wine is actually pretty good if you have a dozen glasses of it.

He tried to do some of his stand-up comedy at me before I left last night. Something about rowan trees ‘always leading to intercourse with ladies.’ I’m not sure I’m his target audience. Joanne was in hysterics of course, but that might have been because she was stoned off her tits. I keep trying, and failing, to imagine Fax doing his comedy at a load of Scottish people.

I don’t know why they’re always trying to include me in their mad plans. I think they feel sorry for me. What they don’t realise is that usually my problems are caused by being involved in their mad plans.

Saif arrives just as I’m swallowing some sick.

‘Do you want to come to a Forex seminar with me?’

Oh fuck not this again.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 5: Forex”

Rainbow episode review: Geoffrey’s dirty bras

Can anyone spot the deliberate mistake in this episode? That’s right, the gang have come to the launderette to do some washing, implying more than 25% of them wear any clothes ever.

Anyway, here we are, washing Geoffrey’s soiled tights and bras. But oh shit – Geoffrey’s forgotten to bring any washing powder! I mean, so have the others, but Geoffrey’s the only one without a room temperature IQ.

“What the fuck are we going to do now?” wails Geoffrey.

Zippy senses his despair, and decides he doesn’t really give a shit. “Geoffrey, can I have some chocolate out of the machine?”

“You’re not helping Zippy.”

“I’m not trying to help.”

Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Geoffrey’s dirty bras”

An update on my Patreon

An update on my Patreon

Hi gang, just wanted to give you all an update on changes I’m going to be making to my Patreon (this won’t affect any existing patrons except for the top tier, who I’ve spoken to already).

Anyway, long story short is I’ve had to suspend my top Patreon tier for the time being, due to shops being shut. Given this, I figured I’d shake up my tiers a bit. I am nothing if not exciting.

I’m going to add a new $1 tier (probably called Rod, as Rod is a gigachad) that you can back if you just want to support my stuff. The $5 tier (Bungle) will still get access to the archive, videos, and in the very near future, some exclusive articles. The new highest tier (George, $15) will carry on getting everything, including exclusive Rainbow comics.

Thank you so much to everyone currently backing me, it means so much; it means I can (with enough budgeting) work full time on my books. I’m spending every waking hour on my next book (and the World of Crap Annual), and after that I’ll be free to shit out content at a much faster rate. Bear with me, and thank you again guys xxx

If you’d like to support my stuff, your support is really welcome xx

Wife Carrying, Bingo Calling, Chilli Eating: Watching Crap Sports

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Do you miss the football? We do. And if you don’t miss the football, pretend you do for the duration of this post.

Given our inability to fill the gaping football shaped hole in our lives, we decided to watch some other competitive activities, and to cheer on people we liked the look of, until they inevitably lost. Bonus points for sports where loads of people get injured.

Join us for a journey through Wife Kicking, Plank Waving, and 700-a-side Bingo. Also – introducing the idea of ‘Tiddlywinks Ultras’.

If you’d like to support the blog, consider chucking a quid onto my Patreon to get more videos and shit.

Kickstarter: The World Of Crap Annual

Kickstarter: The World Of Crap Annual

Stories! Quizzes! Horoscopes! Swearing Bungle! Misc!

Does this sound like something you’d want to throw your money away on, like an idiot? Hopefully it does, otherwise I’m a bit screwed.

After a year of various people nagging me, I’ve launched a Kickstarter to make a world of Crap annual.

Yes! No! I mean… hopefully!

World of Crap annual cover 02

That’s right! For up to some money, you too can get an annual full of quality content, such as: Continue reading “Kickstarter: The World Of Crap Annual”

13 stupid Mills and Boon covers

13 stupid Mills and Boon covers

I keep seeing books with titles like ‘Love’s Long Fanny’, ‘He Lit Up My Bum’, and ‘They Met In Netto’. These are in spinning wire racks in charity shops and are read by horny old ladies. I’ve never read one, but I like to look at the covers and imagine what the stories are.

Join me for tales of romance, intrigue, and accidental farting…

Dangerous Lover

dangerous lover

It’s the horse isn’t it. The horse is the dangerous lover. We’ve all heard that story. Continue reading “13 stupid Mills and Boon covers”

The failed handstand: A photo story

The failed handstand: A photo story

I’ve written a few posts about my inability to do anything that involved any physical skill, or any sort of skill. This story sums up that ineptitude nicely, and you also get to laugh at my hair.

As a child I could never do handstands, cartwheels, or anything that involved being upside down/not being a moron. That didn’t stop me trying; like a plucky little soldier I never gave up. And one time, my lovely parents decided to capture the experience for posterity. Let me guide you through my epic tale – “Some useless kid tries to do a handstand”.

1. The journey begins

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Look at the determination on my deluded little face. There I stand, rubbing my hands together with confident glee, safe in the knowledge that I’m definitely going to bloody do it this time, despite having failed the previous 4000 times. Continue reading “The failed handstand: A photo story”

A review of 80s and 90s booze

A review of 80s and 90s booze

You know what’s a lot of fun? Getting pissed to block out the pain. It’s one of Britain’s oldest traditions, along with queuing and tutting.

These days, I tend to stick to hipster gin and nice wine, because I am a twat. Back in the day, though, the world of alcohol was a wonderful and mysterious one. Adults would get together to drink these brightly coloured potions that transformed them from sad to happy to sad again, only more sad than before. Also they smoked ciggies and talked about “Alan who did you-know-what with the Avon lady”.

Meanwhile, the kids would be banished to the corner of the room, with our She Ra figures and our Panda Pops, trying to hear the adults’ conversation because you knew they were going to say ‘willy’ at some point, because that’s what adults say.

I’m getting a bit off topic here. The point is that there was some interesting booze knocking about when I was younger. Granted, these days we have ‘hand-pissed violet and beef gin’, but does that have Lorraine Chase advertising it? It does not.

Hooch

hooch

Let’s begin with a classic – one of the first alcopops, which meant 13 (cough I mean 18) year olds like me didn’t have to drink stuff that tasted like Chanel No. 5. Continue reading “A review of 80s and 90s booze”