Rainbow episode review: Geoffrey’s dirty bras

Can anyone spot the deliberate mistake in this episode? That’s right, the gang have come to the launderette to do some washing, implying more than 25% of them wear any clothes ever.

Anyway, here we are, washing Geoffrey’s soiled tights and bras. But oh shit – Geoffrey’s forgotten to bring any washing powder! I mean, so have the others, but Geoffrey’s the only one without a room temperature IQ.

“What the fuck are we going to do now?” wails Geoffrey.

Zippy senses his despair, and decides he doesn’t really give a shit. “Geoffrey, can I have some chocolate out of the machine?”

“You’re not helping Zippy.”

“I’m not trying to help.”

Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Geoffrey’s dirty bras”

An update on my Patreon

An update on my Patreon

Hi gang, just wanted to give you all an update on changes I’m going to be making to my Patreon (this won’t affect any existing patrons except for the top tier, who I’ve spoken to already).

Anyway, long story short is I’ve had to suspend my top Patreon tier for the time being, due to shops being shut. Given this, I figured I’d shake up my tiers a bit. I am nothing if not exciting.

I’m going to add a new $1 tier (probably called Rod, as Rod is a gigachad) that you can back if you just want to support my stuff. The $5 tier (Bungle) will still get access to the archive, videos, and in the very near future, some exclusive articles. The new highest tier (George, $15) will carry on getting everything, including exclusive Rainbow comics.

Thank you so much to everyone currently backing me, it means so much; it means I can (with enough budgeting) work full time on my books. I’m spending every waking hour on my next book (and the World of Crap Annual), and after that I’ll be free to shit out content at a much faster rate. Bear with me, and thank you again guys xxx

If you’d like to support my stuff, your support is really welcome xx

Wife Carrying, Bingo Calling, Chilli Eating: Watching Crap Sports

sports thumb

Do you miss the football? We do. And if you don’t miss the football, pretend you do for the duration of this post.

Given our inability to fill the gaping football shaped hole in our lives, we decided to watch some other competitive activities, and to cheer on people we liked the look of, until they inevitably lost. Bonus points for sports where loads of people get injured.

Join us for a journey through Wife Kicking, Plank Waving, and 700-a-side Bingo. Also – introducing the idea of ‘Tiddlywinks Ultras’.

If you’d like to support the blog, consider chucking a quid onto my Patreon to get more videos and shit.

Kickstarter: The World Of Crap Annual

Kickstarter: The World Of Crap Annual

Stories! Quizzes! Horoscopes! Swearing Bungle! Misc!

Does this sound like something you’d want to throw your money away on, like an idiot? Hopefully it does, otherwise I’m a bit screwed.

After a year of various people nagging me, I’ve launched a Kickstarter to make a world of Crap annual.

Yes! No! I mean… hopefully!

World of Crap annual cover 02

That’s right! For up to some money, you too can get an annual full of quality content, such as: Continue reading “Kickstarter: The World Of Crap Annual”

13 stupid Mills and Boon covers

13 stupid Mills and Boon covers

I keep seeing books with titles like ‘Love’s Long Fanny’, ‘He Lit Up My Bum’, and ‘They Met In Netto’. These are in spinning wire racks in charity shops and are read by horny old ladies. I’ve never read one, but I like to look at the covers and imagine what the stories are.

Join me for tales of romance, intrigue, and accidental farting…

Dangerous Lover

dangerous lover

It’s the horse isn’t it. The horse is the dangerous lover. We’ve all heard that story. Continue reading “13 stupid Mills and Boon covers”

The failed handstand: A photo story

The failed handstand: A photo story

I’ve written a few posts about my inability to do anything that involved any physical skill, or any sort of skill. This story sums up that ineptitude nicely, and you also get to laugh at my hair.

As a child I could never do handstands, cartwheels, or anything that involved being upside down/not being a moron. That didn’t stop me trying; like a plucky little soldier I never gave up. And one time, my lovely parents decided to capture the experience for posterity. Let me guide you through my epic tale – “Some useless kid tries to do a handstand”.

1. The journey begins

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Look at the determination on my deluded little face. There I stand, rubbing my hands together with confident glee, safe in the knowledge that I’m definitely going to bloody do it this time, despite having failed the previous 4000 times. Continue reading “The failed handstand: A photo story”

A review of 80s and 90s booze

A review of 80s and 90s booze

You know what’s a lot of fun? Getting pissed to block out the pain. It’s one of Britain’s oldest traditions, along with queuing and tutting.

These days, I tend to stick to hipster gin and nice wine, because I am a twat. Back in the day, though, the world of alcohol was a wonderful and mysterious one. Adults would get together to drink these brightly coloured potions that transformed them from sad to happy to sad again, only more sad than before. Also they smoked ciggies and talked about “Alan who did you-know-what with the Avon lady”.

Meanwhile, the kids would be banished to the corner of the room, with our She Ra figures and our Panda Pops, trying to hear the adults’ conversation because you knew they were going to say ‘willy’ at some point, because that’s what adults say.

I’m getting a bit off topic here. The point is that there was some interesting booze knocking about when I was younger. Granted, these days we have ‘hand-pissed violet and beef gin’, but does that have Lorraine Chase advertising it? It does not.

Hooch

hooch

Let’s begin with a classic – one of the first alcopops, which meant 13 (cough I mean 18) year olds like me didn’t have to drink stuff that tasted like Chanel No. 5. Continue reading “A review of 80s and 90s booze”

Stardew Valley charity Twitch marathon

Stardew Valley charity Twitch marathon

This Sunday (24th Feb) I’ll be live on Twitch from Midday to Midnight as part of GameBlast 19, raising money for a charity called Special Effect.

For extra fun and japes, I’ve never done a livestream before. Nothing can go wrong.

oh shit

Special Effect are a group of tech geniuses who provide specialist and modified gaming and computer equipment to people with disabilities. The equipment they provide is tailored to each individual need, and is completely free of charge. They also provide pioneering “Stargaze” equipment, allowing users to control computers with eye movements. (Seriously, I think they might be wizards.)

Below are a few videos showing the work they do, and the people they help:

Ceyda

Lewis

Sam

If you’d like to join me, please follow me on Twitch (theworldofcrap) and check out the Just Giving page for the livestream.

I’ll be playing Stardew Valley for 12 hours straight, so please come and keep me company. If you’re not familiar with it, Stardew Valley is an awesome farming/dating sim in the style of the Harvest Moon series. I’m really counting on people joining me on Twitch and keeping me sane as I grow 30,000 parsnips, and follow villagers around until they agree to marry me. Help a good cause, and witness me having a slow nervous breakdown. There’s literally no downside to this.

Hope to see you guys there!