There won’t be any new posts on here for a couple of weeks, because I have to get a lot of other stuff written. I’ll still be doing Twitter, Facebook, Discord and Patreon stuff, but I’m going to take some time off here to get other projects finished.
You can still get hold of me on social media, if you’re mental enough to want to.
See you soon!
Right let’s start the new year as we mean to carry on – by writing shit that 7 people will read.
I keep seeing books with titles like ‘Love’s Long Fanny’, ‘He Lit Up My Bum’, and ‘They Met In Netto’. These are in spinning wire racks in charity shops and are read by horny old ladies. I’ve never read one, but I like to look at the covers and imagine what the stories are.
Join me for tales of romance, intrigue, and accidental farting…
It’s the horse isn’t it. The horse is the dangerous lover. We’ve all heard that story. Continue reading “13 stupid Mills and Boon covers”
I’ve written a few posts about my inability to do anything that involved any physical skill, or any sort of skill. This story sums up that ineptitude nicely, and you also get to laugh at my hair.
As a child I could never do handstands, cartwheels, or anything that involved being upside down/not being a moron. That didn’t stop me trying; like a plucky little soldier I never gave up. And one time, my lovely parents decided to capture the experience for posterity. Let me guide you through my epic tale – “Some useless kid tries to do a handstand”.
1. The journey begins
Look at the determination on my deluded little face. There I stand, rubbing my hands together with confident glee, safe in the knowledge that I’m definitely going to bloody do it this time, despite having failed the previous 4000 times. Continue reading “The failed handstand: A photo story”
You know what’s a lot of fun? Getting pissed to block out the pain. It’s one of Britain’s oldest traditions, along with queuing and tutting.
These days, I tend to stick to hipster gin and nice wine, because I am a twat. Back in the day, though, the world of alcohol was a wonderful and mysterious one. Adults would get together to drink these brightly coloured potions that transformed them from sad to happy to sad again, only more sad than before. Also they smoked ciggies and talked about “Alan who did you-know-what with the Avon lady”.
Meanwhile, the kids would be banished to the corner of the room, with our She Ra figures and our Panda Pops, trying to hear the adults’ conversation because you knew they were going to say ‘willy’ at some point, because that’s what adults say.
I’m getting a bit off topic here. The point is that there was some interesting booze knocking about when I was younger. Granted, these days we have ‘hand-pissed violet and beef gin’, but does that have Lorraine Chase advertising it? It does not.
Let’s begin with a classic – one of the first alcopops, which meant 13 (cough I mean 18) year olds like me didn’t have to drink stuff that tasted like Chanel No. 5. Continue reading “A review of 80s and 90s booze”
This Sunday (24th Feb) I’ll be live on Twitch from Midday to Midnight as part of GameBlast 19, raising money for a charity called Special Effect.
For extra fun and japes, I’ve never done a livestream before. Nothing can go wrong.
Special Effect are a group of tech geniuses who provide specialist and modified gaming and computer equipment to people with disabilities. The equipment they provide is tailored to each individual need, and is completely free of charge. They also provide pioneering “Stargaze” equipment, allowing users to control computers with eye movements. (Seriously, I think they might be wizards.)
Below are a few videos showing the work they do, and the people they help:
If you’d like to join me, please follow me on Twitch (theworldofcrap) and check out the Just Giving page for the livestream.
I’ll be playing Stardew Valley for 12 hours straight, so please come and keep me company. If you’re not familiar with it, Stardew Valley is an awesome farming/dating sim in the style of the Harvest Moon series. I’m really counting on people joining me on Twitch and keeping me sane as I grow 30,000 parsnips, and follow villagers around until they agree to marry me. Help a good cause, and witness me having a slow nervous breakdown. There’s literally no downside to this.
Hope to see you guys there!
First a disclaimer: this wasn’t actually the tin of biscuits I wanted to talk about. I assumed it was, but then I realised there was a complete lack of pink wafers. I assumed this must be one of these modern switch outs. Then I did a little digging and apparently the biscuit selection I so fondly remembered was in fact this:
I had no idea they were called Rover. It was simply “The Tin of Biscuits”; not The Biscuit Tin, that was just another name for The Biscuit Barrel. I tried to get a box of these to review, but they no longer appear to do them. Much like the cars of the same name.
Their tins will of course live on, in the houses of the elderly, filled with buttons, yellowing photographs, insurance documents and hoarded incandescent lightbulbs “because these energy savers are SO dark!”.
So Family Circle it shall be. It must also be stated that they’re not even a tin any more. I’m pretty certain they went through an interim period of using plastic and now we’re on a very thin and basic cardstock. In terms of sustainability I can’t fault this trend in the slightest; from a point of trying to have a nostalgic experience however, this is utterly lacklustre. Continue reading “World Of Crap reviews Family Circle biscuits”