Wife Carrying, Bingo Calling, Chilli Eating: Watching Crap Sports

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Do you miss the football? We do. And if you don’t miss the football, pretend you do for the duration of this post.

Given our inability to fill the gaping football shaped hole in our lives, we decided to watch some other competitive activities, and to cheer on people we liked the look of, until they inevitably lost. Bonus points for sports where loads of people get injured.

Join us for a journey through Wife Kicking, Plank Waving, and 700-a-side Bingo. Also – introducing the idea of ‘Tiddlywinks Ultras’.

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Kickstarter: The World Of Crap Annual

Kickstarter: The World Of Crap Annual

Stories! Quizzes! Horoscopes! Swearing Bungle! Misc!

Does this sound like something you’d want to throw your money away on, like an idiot? Hopefully it does, otherwise I’m a bit screwed.

After a year of various people nagging me, I’ve launched a Kickstarter to make a world of Crap annual.

Yes! No! I mean… hopefully!

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That’s right! For up to some money, you too can get an annual full of quality content, such as: Continue reading “Kickstarter: The World Of Crap Annual”

13 stupid Mills and Boon covers

13 stupid Mills and Boon covers

Right let’s start the new year as we mean to carry on – by writing shit that 7 people will read.

I keep seeing books with titles like ‘Love’s Long Fanny’, ‘He Lit Up My Bum’, and ‘They Met In Netto’. These are in spinning wire racks in charity shops and are read by horny old ladies. I’ve never read one, but I like to look at the covers and imagine what the stories are.

Join me for tales of romance, intrigue, and accidental farting…

Dangerous Lover

dangerous lover

It’s the horse isn’t it. The horse is the dangerous lover. We’ve all heard that story. Continue reading “13 stupid Mills and Boon covers”

The failed handstand: A photo story

The failed handstand: A photo story

I’ve written a few posts about my inability to do anything that involved any physical skill, or any sort of skill. This story sums up that ineptitude nicely, and you also get to laugh at my hair.

As a child I could never do handstands, cartwheels, or anything that involved being upside down/not being a moron. That didn’t stop me trying; like a plucky little soldier I never gave up. And one time, my lovely parents decided to capture the experience for posterity. Let me guide you through my epic tale – “Some useless kid tries to do a handstand”.

1. The journey begins

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Look at the determination on my deluded little face. There I stand, rubbing my hands together with confident glee, safe in the knowledge that I’m definitely going to bloody do it this time, despite having failed the previous 4000 times. Continue reading “The failed handstand: A photo story”

A review of 80s and 90s booze

A review of 80s and 90s booze

You know what’s a lot of fun? Getting pissed to block out the pain. It’s one of Britain’s oldest traditions, along with queuing and tutting.

These days, I tend to stick to hipster gin and nice wine, because I am a twat. Back in the day, though, the world of alcohol was a wonderful and mysterious one. Adults would get together to drink these brightly coloured potions that transformed them from sad to happy to sad again, only more sad than before. Also they smoked ciggies and talked about “Alan who did you-know-what with the Avon lady”.

Meanwhile, the kids would be banished to the corner of the room, with our She Ra figures and our Panda Pops, trying to hear the adults’ conversation because you knew they were going to say ‘willy’ at some point, because that’s what adults say.

I’m getting a bit off topic here. The point is that there was some interesting booze knocking about when I was younger. Granted, these days we have ‘hand-pissed violet and beef gin’, but does that have Lorraine Chase advertising it? It does not.

Hooch

hooch

Let’s begin with a classic – one of the first alcopops, which meant 13 (cough I mean 18) year olds like me didn’t have to drink stuff that tasted like Chanel No. 5. Continue reading “A review of 80s and 90s booze”