Rainbow Episode Review: Zippy’s Got Talent

This episode is about trying to be funny and completely dying on your arse, which is obviously something I identify with. Anyway, let’s crack on before I get bored and start needing a piss.

Zippy is watching Ernie Wise on TV. Ernie tells a joke about some eggs, but I’m not going to write it down because I’d get it wrong. I’m very bad at jokes. Last night Alex spent an hour trying to teach me about Knock Knock jokes, but I always forget to say ‘Who’s there?’.

And one time I couldn’t figure out how to open a bin in a cafe. But apart from that, I am a total genius.

Anyway, Ernie Wise tells some lame jokes, and Zippy laughs himself to fucking death. I suppose they were limited to what jokes they could air on Rainbow; you’re probably not going to get Zippy telling the Aristocrats joke in this episode. Continue reading “Rainbow Episode Review: Zippy’s Got Talent” →

Rainbow episode review: Oh just fuck off

I’m in a bad mood for two reasons:

1. My laptop is powered by steam and extinct eggs.

2. I was sewing shit onto my boyfriend’s work uniform FOR AN HOUR. It was only three things, but I suck at sewing. I think I bled to death.

Given that, I’ve chosen a nice cheery episode today. I’m watching this blind so I don’t know what happens, but it’s called ‘Worried And Weary’, so I assume it’s going to fit my mood.

Right.

George is being a bellend, as usual.

How dare he go round collecting money for the hospital. And, more specifically, how dare he say to the hospital “Yes I will collect money for you. No don’t worry I’ll get loads of money, I know more than six people, including two who have 20p in the world, no don’t worry.” George lied.

Also, which hospital is this supposed to be? My guess is ‘Rainbow hospital’. Is there an episode where one of them goes to hospital? I’ve never seen it, but I bet it would be a nice mix of heartwarming and shoddy. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Oh just fuck off” →

Rainbow episode review: House of Cards

Sometimes it’s nice to just be a dick for no reason. If you do need a reason to be a dick, I suggest the following reasons:

– Someone’s being slow at a cashpoint

– That woman off that advert

– They’re riding those fucking quad bikes outside your flat again

– You’re awake

In this episode, the Rainbow gang have all decided to be dicks to each other for no real reason. They do that sometimes. That is the plot. Then they all make friends again.

Spoiler alert.

Zippy’s building a house of cards (quite an achievement when you’ve only got one arm), when George rocks up and shows off his new hat:

“What do you think of my new hat Zippy? I made it myself!”

Pop quiz – will Zippy say:

a) “Yes it’s a beautiful hat and not at all shit.”

b) “It’s quite a nice hat, but I’m more interested in your opinion on Cartesian dualism.”

c) “Lol what a shit hat.” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: House of Cards” →

10 nostalgic tins of food

If, like me, you regularly sit on your own, staring into space and regretting all your life choices, then chances are you eat a lot of tinned food.

Tins are great. For the miniscule effort of figuring out how to use the bloody tin opener, you can be rewarded with a vast array of culinary delights, ranging from beans to coq au vin, and back to beans again. Mostly beans. Also, if the bloody tin opener won’t play ball, you can sometimes just smash the tin against your head and it might open.

Another brilliant thing about tins is that you can throw them at burglars.

Anyway, the world of tinned food has seen a great deal of heroic pioneering… stuff over the years, as companies competed with each other to seal increasingly exotic food in a living tomb. Mostly though, they just stuck to beans and novelty pasta. Continue reading “10 nostalgic tins of food” →

A Chris Kamara action figure and other wonders

Whenever I go visit my dad in North Wales, we always make a special journey to Bargains Galore in Holyhead. I’ve written about this magnificent shop here, but if you don’t have time to read the link – it’s the greatest shop known to man.

Inside the unassuming exterior lies a treasure trove of 80s and 90s tat. Despite not having any room in my flat, I keep buying stuff from this shop. Some of it is in the loft, some is in a box in my bedroom, and some I’ve given to other people. I think I just have a problem with buying stuff. If anyone’s a psychiatrist, or has seen an episode of Dr Phil, give me a bell.

Anyway, on my last visit I was very good, and managed not to buy the Tampax from 1994, or the Spice Girls paper plates. What I did buy, however, needs to be shown off, otherwise I’ll have to admit I do have a problem with buying stuff just because it says ‘Free cassette!’ Continue reading “A Chris Kamara action figure and other wonders” →

Diary of an 80s teenager part 2: Who the hell is Tony?

If you missed Part 1, here it is.

Welcome back to S’s diary. In part 1 we learned that S has seen the seminal work ‘Herbie Goes Bananas’ at the cinema, and that she likes Paul Bateman. On the last page, however, some young upstart called Tony made an appearance:

What we know about Tony so far:

1: He’s called Tony

2: He probably looks like this:

He seems to have successfully seen off the competition anyway. Continue reading “Diary of an 80s teenager part 2: Who the hell is Tony?” →

Diary of an 80s teenager part 1: meet our heroine

Last week, I found this in a box at a car boot sale:

It’s a 1981/82 diary, and it’s been filled in by a 14 year old girl from North Wales, who we’ll call ‘S’. I’ve decided to share this simple yet heartwarming tale of teenage life with you, if only for the fact that it proves someone, somewhere, once bought a record by Dollar.

A few notes before we begin: I have, to the best of my ability, removed S’s full name from the following pages. Notes by me are in italics. Also, I apologise in advance to any Welsh readers if I’ve spelled things wrong. But, you know, she had bloody terrible handwriting at times.

So join me, dear reader, as we follow S on her journey of buying miniature cans of coke, attempting to phone her crush, and watching Herbie Goes Bananas…

Continue reading “Diary of an 80s teenager part 1: meet our heroine” →

World Of Crap

Nostalgia and shite.

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