Diary of an 80s teenager part 8: Coronation Street And.

Diary of an 80s teenager part 8: Coronation Street And.

Welcome back to our 80’s diary. Last week, our heroine was cleaning out the pantry and eating the dubious-sounding ‘London grill’. What japes will she get up to this time? Let’s find out…


To begin, a poster of Kenny Everett’s Captain Kremmen & Carla, and a smashing art, possibly a self portrait. Anyone know what those letters are about?



“Woke up 8.30, went to school, children went to see film. Wore skirt Mam made for me, it is miles too long. Mandy came for dinner, made friends with Andrea Elis. Had Maths homework, watched Coronation Street, and Mike Harding show. Andrea not in school.”

I guess the Andreas aren’t the same person. How do you get to a point in your life where you know two people called Andrea?


“Woke up 8.30. Had double Sociology, had rounders in Gym, I was last post, played quite well. Chips got (something???) in Commerce, Joanne and Amanda kept picking on each other. Watched Different Strokes. Not friends with Daren. Watched Flesh And Blood.”


“Woke up 8.30, had double Computer Studies. Had my last lesson with G.T., it was very sad. Had double Biol. in afternoon. Went for a ride with Mam to Penmynydd. Watched Coronation, TV Times Awards, Robert Wagner on it.”

robert wagner


“Woke up 8.30. Had double General Science. (No Tony?) Weather turned for the worse. Mr Griffiths was there in Commerce. Mr. Black not in school. Had double free lesson. Mr Grinwalds took files in. Went to Nain’s, got belt and brooch from Israel.”


“Woke up 8.35, had hockey and rounders in Gym, I was last post again. Got name down for tie and skirt. Had folio, on countryside. Went home dinnertime to get Biol. book. Mam came. Went to Sharon’s with Maggie, made tea, did homework, watched Bounder and We’ll Meet Again.”


“Did English research. Went to Deiniolen.”


“Went to church. Went to Auntie Joan’s. Watched Hart To Hart.”



“Woke up 9.45, went to train to Rhyl. Went to fair, went on Jet Stream, Matterhorn, Ski Jump, and new thing. Had doughnuts, went round shops. Saw Madness video in Woolworth, bought present for Mam & Dad, watched Agatha Christie’s ‘Murder Is Easy’.”


“Woke up 8.30, went to school. Had new Welsh teacher, Mrs. Jones, don’t like her much. Had running in Gym, 3 ½ times round field. Learnt Biol. Watched Flesh & Blood, and Play For Tomorrow, ‘The Nuclear Family’.”


“Woke up 8.30, went to school. Had double C. Studies, in computer room. Had Biol. test, didn’t do too well I don’t think. Went to Menai Bridge disco, Linda going with Barry, Mo was there, Donna was not there, Bernie was.” (S)

In Part 7, someone pointed out that (S) and (F) are probably to do with girl’s periods that girls have.


“Woke up 8.30. Had General Science test. Had film in Commerce. Had horrible dinner. Had Sociology, then had Maths homework. Watched Top Of The Pops, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, and Sorry, also Bird Of prey.”


“Woke up 8.30. Had double rounders. I found out Paul left school. (!!!!) Going on Oxfam walk I think. Had Biol. test results. 14 out of 30. Went out after tea, watched Fall Guy, Bounder and We’ll Meet Again, read Brave New World.”

You don’t seem that fussed about Paul. I was expecting this:



“Mam bought wool knit waistcoat. Went to Deiniolen.”


“Went to church. Revised Commerce. Had job interview in Castle Hotel.”



“Woke up 8.30. Had Welsh with new teacher again, I still don’t like her. Had General Science results, I got 89%, I came 1st. (At least that shit Tony’s been good for something then.) Watched Coronation Street, and film, ‘Your 3 Minutes Are Up!’ Went to chippy for job.”


“Woke up 8.35. Had double Sociology. Had rounders in Gym. Paul Bateman was in school. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) He’s going on the Oxfam walk. So am I. (This next bit really looks like “Dad lost paint on himself”, but that makes zero sense. Any advance on that?) Watched Play For Tomorrow, ‘Shades’.”

“He’s going on the Oxfam walk. So am I.”



“Woke up 8.30. Had double C. Studies. Had double Welsh. I really don’t like the Welsh teacher. Mr. Morgan sent me on errand. Watched Coronation Street And.”

“Coronation Street And.”


“Woke up 8.30. Had no lessons all day, because of sports. It was very hot. Maggie came for sponsor form. Went to Milburns disco it was fantastic!”


“Woke up 8.30. Had double rounders. Had English folio, essay on nurses. Had double Biol., Gwyn and Geoffrey sponsored me. Auntie Mair and Uncle Alwyn came. (HOW MANY BOLLOCKING RELATIVES DO YOU HAVE) Watched last part of We’ll Meet Again.


“Went to Rhyl. Went to roller skating. Bought singles.”


“Day off church. Did revising. Knitted.”

We’ll leave it on that cliffhanger. Join me in Part 9, where we discover that our heroine really doesn’t like Brooke Shields.

Diary of an 80s teenager part 7: London grill and Cliff Richard

Diary of an 80s teenager part 7: London grill and Cliff Richard

Welcome back to our 80s diary. Part 6 saw us struggling with the space-time continuum, thanks to S writing things in the wrong bloody bits of the diary all the time. We seem to be back to normal now, thank God, so let’s settle down for a nice mundane set of entries, featuring sandwich spread, cleaning the pantry, and failing to watch Minder…



“Woke up 8.31. Had double Welsh. Saw Paul. Mandy came to our canteen, to have dinner. Asked Andrea to come to our house. Revised Biology, watched Coronation Street. Also watched film, Lacy And Cagney, it was ace.”


“Woke up 8.39. Had double Sociology, had new text book. Andrea told me she would be coming to my house on Thursday. Phoned hairdresser, appointment Thurs 4.00. Glyn Kent (I think) and Glyn Owen came. Went to library. Watched Taxi.”


“Woke up 8.30. Had double C. Studies with Mr Roberts. Peter Miller going out with Sarah. Andrea bought Patches, and David. (There’s no way there was ever a magazine called ‘David’.) Washed hair. Had really terrible row with Mam. Saw Coronation Street. Didn’t see Minder.”

Oh God please don’t start listing everything you DIDN’T watch. I already can’t keep up with all the batshit times you decide to wake up.


“Woke up 8.25, Andrea brought her clothes. Saw Romeo & Juliet. Had no lessons all day. Went to hairdresser. Had pizza & chips & coke for tea. Andrea wore mini skirt. Saw Tony in disco. Paul was not there (S).”

What is (S)?


“Woke up 8.30. Went to school, didn’t do Gym. Sarah was with Peter Miller again. Had Biology test. School closed for two weeks. (Why? How badly did your test go?) Auntie Enid came. Watched Dear Heart, and Fall Guy. And We’ll Meet Again. Read Brave New World.”


“Went to Bangor. Bought ‘Sound Effects’. Went to Andrew’s.”


“No church. Went to Auntie Joan’s. Watched Hart To Hart and A Kind Of Loving.”



“Woke up 12.00. Had a sore throat. Had chicken soup for dinner. Watched Norman Wisdom film, ‘On The Beat’. Had terrible headache. Watched Maggie and Coronation Street. Then watched Marti Caine. Had to watch Horizon.”

Why would you have to watch Horizon? Can anyone find out which episode she’d have watched?

EDIT: Thanks to Meatina on Twitter, it was ‘The Private Face Of Medicine’.


“Got up 10.35. Had London grill for dinner. Went for bus, but it was late. Met Mandy by the castle. Went back to her house. Saw Tony on Lambretta. (See here for opinions on the Lambretta.) Went to Bangor, Penmon, Llanfaes, Pentraeth. Watched Flesh & Blood & Snooker (probably not all one show, although I’d watch the shit out of that). (F)”

What is (F)? Is it better or worse than (S)?

Also, London Grill:

london grill


“Woke up 11.00. Had dinner, sandwich spread sandwiches. Went for bus to Andrea’s house. Went to Spar, got Mod badges. Andrea’s Aunt Alice made tea. Watched Coronation, listened to radio. Mam told me that she was going to Cardiff again.”


“Woke up 9.31. (!!!!!!) Went to Kwiks, then went to Nain’s. I stayed there, and Mam went home. Came home with Owen Parry. Played tennis with Daren, Maggie and Kirsty. Watched Badger By Owl Light.”

Googled Badger By Owl Light: “Thriller: A hitman is sent on the trail of a cult leader after a bomb explosion in London.”


“Woke up 11.10, Auntie Enid was here. Started to spring clean pantry. Had dinner. Watched The Brothers Grimm, Magic, Mr & Mrs. Then had tea, pork pie. Then watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Gaffer, and We’ll Meet Again. Had 50p off Auntie Enid.”


“Went to Bangor, bought Setting Sons, went to sleep to Auntie Vera’s.”

Pretty sure Auntie Vera is the mysterious Auntie Rena/Gena/Xena from earlier.


“Woke up 9.00, went to Nain’s. Came home. Watched Game For A Laugh & A Kind Of Loving.”



“Woke up 12.35. Had dinner. Looked for posters for Andrea, couldn’t find much. Watched film, Ziegfeld Girl, then watched Gambit, Maggie, Chipperfield’s Circus, By The Sea, and Bad Luck Bears film.”


“Woke up 11.35. Mam went to Upper Bangor. She got me tropicals. After dinner went out to play, with Maggie and Daren. Played Consequences. Went to library.”


“Woke up 8.05, Auntie Vera came. Collected Nain, and went on our journey to Cardiff with Mam, ate baps on the way. Mam had her operation, and we went round Cardiff. Went back to see her, she was quite cheerful.”


“Auntie Vera came 10.15. Went to Caernarvon, to Social Services office. Then went to Nain’s. Held Daffyd’s snake. Bought O.T.T. book in Upper Bangor. Watched Top Of The Pops, Kenny Everett, and Love Is Old, Love Is New.”

“Held Daffyd’s snake.”



“Woke up 8.05. Went with Dad to Nain’s house. Had little Yorkies off Daffyd. Rode my bike. Nain went to Israel. (What, she just decided to go that morning?) Went to Red Wharf Bay with Auntie Eleri, uncle John and Daffyd. Phoned Mam. Watched Mutiny On The Buses.



“Woke up 10.55. Went to Bangor. Went to Deiniolen.”

You didn’t go to Israel though. You need to up your game.


“Went to church. Dad made Sun. dinner. Had bath, went for walk with Uncle Tom and Auntie Ann. Came home. Had supper. Watched A Kind Of Loving.”



“Woke up 8.50, I was not late though. (HOW?) Saw Paul Bateman. (Booooooo!) Lawrence back in school. Took tape recorder to school. Had General Science with Tony. (I might have forgiven Tony now, I can’t remember.) After tea, went to see Mam, in Bangor. She is much better. Watched.”

I thought Mam was in Cardiff? Oh well, at least you watched.


“Woke up 8.30, went to school, had double Sociology. Had folder in Maths. MAM CAME HOME, HOORAY!! Auntie Vera came to see her. Played tennis with Daren, Maggie gave Mam get well card. Watched Pot Black, went to bath, then went to bed.”

The bit about Mam coming home kicked us all right in the feelings I’m sure.

mam came home


“Woke up 8.45. Auntie Eleri came. Had double C. Studies. Sarah asked Paul to go out with me, he said fuck off. (See here for further comment of the Paul scandal.) Played badminton, had tea, Uncle Harold came on bike. Went to M.B. Disco. Had 55 1/2 out of 80 in Biology.”


“Woke up 8.35. Had double General Science. Had more homework in Sociology, saw Paul Bateman. Went to Kwix with Dad, got coke, crackerbread, harvest crunch. Watched Top Of The Pops and Sorry.”


“Woke up 8.35, Auntie Vera was here. Watched to school with Jonathan Lincoln. Had rounders for Gym. Mandy came for dinner. Saw Paul Bateman in Maths. Played with Daren and Maggie. Watched Bounder and We’ll Meet Again, & McClain’s Law.”


“Woke up 10.30. Went to Bangor. Bought coat.”


“Went to church, started revising. Watched ‘The Two Of Us’, Hart To Hart, and ‘A Kind Of Loving’.”

To finish, we have a declaration of love for The Beat, an article about light, and a poster of Wired For Sound era Cliff Richard with guns.



Join me next time for some art, and our heroine watches “Coronation Street and.”

Diary of an 80s teenager part 6: the plot of Memento

Diary of an 80s teenager part 6: the plot of Memento

This part is very confusing. I don’t know who any of these people are, or why some of them are written in code, or why ‘John Nally’ is important. S has written down future events on past pages, and is also getting these entries tattooed onto her like Guy Pearce in Memento.



“Woke up 8.25. GT wasn’t in school, Nia was in school, after having her appendix out. Gone off Tony today, I like a boy from Welsh Disco, his name is Paul Bateman. Watched new series of Maggie. Watched Coronation Street and Soap.”

Paul Bateman, coming to a weird glitch in spacetime near you. I guess this is the ‘prequel’. Fucking hell. Who is GT? I’m going for Graham Taylor. If so, I’m not surprised he wasn’t at school.


“Woke up 8.30. Had double Sociology. Elaine thinks that Phil is going to finish with her. Saw Paul, I like him now. After school went to library, got book ‘The Innocence Has All Gone Daddy’.

I think she means this book, although it looks like a pretty odd choice:

innocence has gone daddy

Sample passage:

That was like Sue wanting attention all the time. Strange how he was drawn to the same types. Cherry had been like Celia in some ways, Clare like Sue, Rose like Sue, and now this girl. Physically and characteristically they were the same.
Who was he like? Jacques?
She pulled the bedclothes back, sat up on one elbow and ran her fingers down his arm, down his thigh, his leg.
‘You’ve got a marvellous body for a man of your age.’

I think she got this from the ‘adults’ part’ of the library.


“Woke up 8.35. Had computer programme in Computer Studies. GT was in school. Paul knows I like him. Went to M.B. disco, Hefin was there, John Nally actually spoke to me. Read book The Innocence Has All Gone Daddy.”

Who is John Nally and why.

john nally tattoo


“Woke up 8.30, had double General Science with Tony. Took tape recorder to school. Mr. Black didn’t come to lesson. Winkle broke his leg, took him to vet.”


“Woke up 8.30, had double Gym, did very well in Netball, I am getting better at it now. Paul gets Maths in room 12, where I get Computer Studies. Washed hair, watched Dear Heart, went to Andrew’s house, watched last week’s Fall Guy on video recorder.”

“Paul gets Maths in room 12”



“Woke up 11.20. Went to Maggie’s. Watched Sweeney and OTT.”


“Woke 9.30, went to church. Cooked cheese tartlets.”



“Woke up 8.30, went to school. Sarah asked Paul to go out with me. I wouldn’t like to write down what he said though. Went to Deiniolen, took dogs for a walk. Then it started to thunder and snow.”



“Woke up 8.30, went to school, not friends with Sarah. Went round with Amanda (Can’t read the surname. Probably not ‘Amanda Slut’. I probably need to put my glasses on again.) After school went to football match, Bangor V Swansea. Swansea won 2-1. Had fish & chips, watched play, ‘Home Sweet Home’.”


“Woke 80 8.35, had double Computer Studies. After school, Mam told me that Auntie Olwen’s sister had died. Mam and Dad went to see her, I stayed home, watched C. Street, Minder.”


“Woke up 8.30, had double General Science with Tony. Made friends with Sarah. Had gospel concert. After tea went to gospel concert again. Got all their autographs.”

tattoos 2



“Woke up 8.31 (!), went to school. Had letter off Mandy, ‘cos she was ill. Saw Paul, I don’t think he likes me. Phoned Mandy after school. Washed hair, watched Dear Heart. Maggie came with record.”


“Went to Bangor, saw Montreaux man. Bought Jam L.P.”



“Went to church 10.30. Played Jam record. Saw Hefin pass. Gave Mam tight, batteries and ear piece.”



“Woke up 8.30, had double Welsh. Wore new jumper. Asked Sarah to come to my house. Andrea was jealous. In General Science the whole class made fun of me, I felt awful. Saw Carys & children. Went to Britannia. Saw Mike Harding show.”

“The whole class made fun of me.” Mate.

On behalf of all of us:

Mike Harding, BBC Radio 2 presenter


“Woke up 8.33 (!!), went to school, had double Sociology. Had to copy up, ‘cos Rosemary went to prison to see her brother. (Rosemary? Prison? John Nally? What the hell is any of this?) Paul smiled at me when he passed. Had double free lesson in Commerce. Played tennis with Daren. Watched last part of Dick Emery.”


“Woke up 8.32. (Please see someone. Please.) Had double Computer Studies, teachers on strike, so I had to go home for dinner. I had to go back to school, others allowed to go home. Had sweet off Mr. Grinwalds. Only Rhys & me in Biol. Went to Deiniolen, had ride in Uncle Tom’s car.”


“Woke up 8.30, went to school, had double General Science. Had dinner at home, sunbathed in garden after. Went back to school, had double Sociology and Maths. Played tennis with Daren, Maggie came to watch Top Of The Pops.”


“Woke up 8.33. (Oh fucking hell not this again.) Strike was over. Mam came to get me dinner time, because I was supposed to go to Nain’s. Had mince beef pie, custard, cake and crisps for dinner. T.C. Roberts came. Washed hair, watched Dear Heart.”


“Went to Llandudno. We had a terrible row. Got lots of clothes. Turned clock.”


“Went to church. Played tennis. Watched James Bond, The Spy Who Loved Me.”

Steve McQueen looks as confused as me.

I’m going to leave it here, because my brain is about to explode.

Join me next time for spring cleaning the pantry, and the space-time continuum hopefully fixes itself.

Diary of an 80s teenager part 5: Geoffrey, Paul and the love octagon

Diary of an 80s teenager part 5: Geoffrey, Paul and the love octagon

Welcome back to S’s diary. In part 4 we saw a new side to Tony, as he treated our heroine with cruelty and disdain. On the plus side, our heroine started to take sandwiches.

Let’s continue.



“Holidays for a week. Woke up about 10.15, Nia and Maggie came. Had jam sandwiches for dinner. Went to Little Chef, had cake. After tea, went to Deiniolen. Saw Last Of The Summer Wine. Elfryn passed his driving test.”


“Woke about 10.40. Maggie came, went to shop, played round back. Craig ran after us all around the houses. (I hope Craig just fancies you and is not the local murderer.) Auntie Gaenor (I think) and Uncle Brian came, watched Dick Emery, and Taxi.”


“Woke up 7.50, Mam went to Liverpool, to museum. Went to Nain’s house all day, collected wood with Gail and Paul. Watched Grange Hill. Mam bought me a necklace. Watched Coronation Street and Minder.”


“Woke up 10.00. Went to Kwiks, then went to Nain’s. Alan came for afternoon. Went to bed 9.00, talked with Gail, had Sally Mali in bed.”

(Sali Mali is a book series; S hasn’t just decided to pick up a random woman.)

sali mali


“Woke up 9.30, had rice krispies for breakfast. After dinner went to Caernarvon, bought make up bag like Mandy’s. Walked to Nain’s from Caernarvon. Gail had her birthday party.”


“Went to Sun Centre, bought Jam t-shirt. I was allowed to see O.T.T.”



“Went to church 10.30. Took money to Mena. Watched last part of Wood & Walters. Maggie got new glasses.”



“Had dream about Geoffrey last night (????). Woke up 8.25. Went to school, had double Welsh. After I came home some of the things from Nain’s catalogue had come. Trousers, had to send them back, but got shirt, jumper and nightie, more to come though.”


“Woke up 8.30, had double Sociology. We didn’t do gym because Mrs Edwards wasn’t in school (What about Annie Agro?), had Mr Rogers again in R.E. Andrea wasn’t feeling too well. Watched Dick Emery and Taxi, also watched Play For Today, ‘Willie’s Last Stand’.”

Sorry, I can’t stop thinking about Maggie’s new glasses. Artist’s impression:



“Woke up 8.35, went to school. We were meant to have computer programme on telly, but video machine broke down. Mr Morgan, Biology teacher, was not in school, went to Mr Prendergast’s room. Saw Geoffrey. (WHO IS GEOFFREY AND WHY ARE YOU HAVING DREAMS ABOUT HIM.) Watched British Pop Awards, and Dr Who, and Minder.”

Mr Morgan, Biology teacher: the little known prequel to Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.


“Woke up 8.30, went to school. Had double General Science with Tony. (I don’t care, Tony’s still a shit.) Had film in Careers and Commerce. Came home. Watched Grange Hill, watched Rock & Pop Awards. Watched Top Of The Pops, Kenny Everett, and Goodbye Mr Kent. Also watched Shoestring.”


“Woke up 8.20, Mam shouted down my ear, to wake me up. Put another skirt on. Didn’t go swimming, because there were not enough going. Had bath, watched Dear Heart, and Fall Guy, The Gaffer, and We’ll Meet Again.”


“Went to Bangor, got new shoes. Went to Deiniolen.”


“Went to church. Went to Auntie Jean’s. Had pizza for supper.”



“Woke up 8.30, went to school. Had double General Science with Tony. Watched Laurel and Hardy, and Maggie. Watched Coronation Street, watched Marti Caine and REG.”


“Woke up 8.30. Had film in Sociology. Did very well in (Ok, I know it’s ‘Basketball’, but my brain just keeps reading it as ‘Budget Ball’). Had Mr Rogers in R.E. Lent Mandy’s gloves. Watched Dick Emery, Taxi, and (no fucking clue). Started to play flute.”


“Woke up 8.40, had computer programme in Computer Studies. (Ok, do you guys ever do any actual work in this lesson, or do you just watch TV? In fact, do you even have a computer, or do you just have a TV and your teacher’s trying to fool you?) After school, washed hair, went to dentist, went to Tregarth, and went to Deiniolen. (Can you stop going there please? I can never spell it.) Watched Minder, started to like Henry.” (At least I think it’s Henry. Any advance on Henry?)

EDIT: My dad has pointed out that this is probably ‘honey’ and not ‘Henry’, and that I need to wear my glasses, even though they make me look like a div.


“Woke up 8.45, was not late for school. Had double General Science with Tony. I think he fancies Sarah Thomas. Swapped pencil cases with Rachel Cawe. Went to library, was in adults’ part.”




“Woke up 10.15 because I couldn’t go swimming. Wore new shoes for school. Had student in Biology. After school, washed hair. At 7.30 went to Welsh disco. Liked group called Montreaux. Started to like Jonathan (Lincoln? Linglan? Legolas?)‘s friend.”


“Woke up 11.20. Went to village. Went to Andrew’s house.”


“Woke up 11.40. Did homework. Watched last part of Grange Hill. Watched Whicker’s World.”


Hands up who’s even a bit surprised? Leave the room please, you clearly haven’t been paying attention.

We now have a charming intermission, featuring the Festival of India, Grace Jones dressed as the concept of being startled, and Dennis Waterman’s journey into space.



Back to the action:



“Started to like Paul Bateman March 5th.” (Clearly some sort of time travel is involved here. Either that or S has just been using any available space to declare her love.)

“Sarah asked him to go out with me 15th March. He said ‘S do you mean? Piss off.’ Terrible language.”

WTF I hate Paul Bateman now.

“Mandy’s phone number: (Covered for obvious reasons. One of you guys will actually try and phone Mandy otherwise.)

“Saw Tony on Lambretta Tuesday 6th April, when I went to Mandy’s house. He looked really funny, with a helmet on his head, and Malcolm his friend on the back.”

“Sat 3rd April: Saw Paul Bateman, coming home from Bangor.”

“Sarah asked Paul to go out with me again silly moo! He said ‘fuck off’ on the 21st April.”

Paul you are so on my list now. You and that fucker Tony.

Ok, I’m trying to keep track of all S’s love interests so far. I think I have them all:

Paul Bateman
Jonathan Legolas’ friend
Mrs Vaughn

I’ve probably missed a couple of hundred. Anyway, join me in part 6 for a friendship in crisis, and a shock development (S wakes up at 8.39 one day).

Diary of an 80s teenager part 4: Tony drama, and Alec’s van breaks down

Diary of an 80s teenager part 4: Tony drama, and Alec’s van breaks down

Welcome back to our tale of teenage life, which so far seems to include going to Bangor and sort-of-phoning-Tony-but-not-really. As usual, comments by me are in italics.

Since this part is quite text-heavy, I’ve included an 80s photo of my sister. She won’t mind because I didn’t ask her.



“Woke up 8.30. Andrea came. Got double Welsh. Had General Science with Tony. Came home, played records. Watched Coronation Street, Let There Be Love. Watched Last Of The Summer Wine. Started to take sandwiches.”

If you’re interested, the plot of Coronation Street that day was as follows (thanks to Coronation Street Wikia):

“Annie is invited to the 200th anniversary banquet of Newton & Ridley. Alec’s van breaks down. Margaret Swain calls on Emily and she tells Emily how Arnold ran out on her after their honeymoon. Emily is appalled that all Arnold told her about his unhappy marriage was lies and that he took her on honeymoon to the same hotel where he took Margaret. Annie has difficulty in finding an escort to the party. Margaret Swain tells Emily that Arnold left her nothing in his will and thinks it unfair that Emily inherited £2,000. Emily feels sorry for her. Betty takes pity on Alec and takes him in as a lodger.”


“Woke up 8.30, had double Sociology, Mr Black wasn’t in school so we got free lesson. Andrea asked me to go to her house on Friday. Watched Jim Davidson, Don’t Rock The Boat, Solo, Muck & Brass.”


“Woke up 8.30. Had film in Computer Studies. Had Maths test, got 8/8. (I’d be worried if she’d said ‘Got 9/8’.) After came home played records with Maggie. Watched Grange Hill. Went to M.B. Disco, only Lawrence was there. (Sounds like Lawrence is A) friendzoned or B) your relation. The important thing is that Tony wasn’t there. I don’t know, could Lawrence be an outside shot?) Rhian was there.”


“Woke up 8.35, Andrea came. She asked my mother if I could sleep in her house. I don’t want to though. (Come on S, stand up for yourself. If her house smells of wee and she smells of wee too, just say ‘No, I’m busy that month.’ Now I’m obsessed with ‘does Andrea’s house smell of wee?’) Mandy came, had cake and oven crusties. (Eeew.) Lended her Beach Boys album. Started to get tonsillitis.”

(Sorry, what? You’re being very casual about that.)


“Woke up 8.30, feeling terrible. Didn’t go to school till 10.30. Went to Andrea’s. Mam phoned 8.00 clock. Stayed the night. Watched Gentle Touch. Played 3 Little Words in bed.”

(So you went to Andrea’s even though you didn’t want to because her house smells of wee, and even though you’ve got tonsillitis? Seriously, I cannot help you now. Not least because I wasn’t born until a year later.)


“Read comics in bed with Andy. (What? Who is Andy? Is this now a love pentagon? I’ve lost count.) Went home after Dallas.”


“Stayed in bed till 3.30. Went downstairs, watched Grange Hill.”

(And then presumably fell into a coma until the next day.)



“Woke up 12.20, went downstairs, had oxtail soup. Watched film – Spirits Blythe, it was a brilliant film. Watched Coronation Street, Let There Be Love, Last Of The Summer Wine, Police. (Police?) Dad got me jigsaw.”


“Woke up 12.20, went downstairs, felt a bit better. (I can’t believe that bitch Andrea made you stay over when you were at death’s door. The bitch.) Had tomato soup. Nothing much on telly, except Born And Bred. Watched The Waltons, Jim Davidson, Don’t Rock the Boat, and Muck & Brass.”


“Woke up 12.20, went downstairs, had dinner, watched telly. Maggie came after school, she told me about Valentine disco. Watched Coronation Street and Minder. Tony was in Menai Bridge disco.


(Unless you did go.)


“Woke up 8.30, was in agony, because of periods. My bladder was numb, it was very painful. Mrs Vaughn came to see how I was. Watched Top Of The Pops.”


“Woke up 8.30, went to school, everyone said why did I bother coming on a Friday. Got a lot of copying up to do, didn’t do Gym. Mam went to lecture (I swear that says ‘8.70’. 70 minutes past 8?), Dad went to bowls meeting, had house to myself.”


“Went to Bangor, bought blouse. Went to Deiniolen.”


“Went to church, saw Mini Marathon, went to Auntie Joan’s.”



I’ve always had all kinds of questions about this photo.




“Woke up 8.35, went to school. More copying up to do. Had General Science with Tony. I still like him. Watched Coronation Street, Let There Be Love, Last Of The Summer Wine and Police.”

(“I still like him.”)

i like him


“Woke up 8.30, went to school. Got Human League L.P. back from Mandy. Chips nicked it from me in Commerce. I hope I get it back tomorrow. (If you don’t, I suggest shoving his head down the loo and flushing it. I don’t like the sound of this ‘Chips’.) Studied Biol for test tomorrow.”


“Woke up 8.35, went to school. Got L.P. back from Chips in one piece, thank God. Didn’t get biol test, having it on Friday. Went to Menai Bridge disco, Andrea came, had lift home with her.”


“Woke up 8.35, went to school, had double General Science, with Tony. He called me a “fuckin’ horror”. It really hit me hard. Had Sociology in 6th form block. Watched Top Of The Pops, Shoestring.”

(Tony why do that? Why?)



“Woke up 9.00, was late for school. Maggie didn’t do Gym, because she had a cold. Had English and Biol test, did quite well in Biol. Watched Fall Guy, Shine On Harvey Moon & Gentle Touch.”


“Went to Bangor. Went swimming with Andrea.”


“Went to church. Cleaned Maggie’s car. (I think. Could be ‘ear’.) Lent John’s L.P. Foreigner 4.”



“Woke up 8.35, went to school. Sarah decided to come to the disco in school. Tony was absent, I didn’t get General Science with him. Went for a walk after C. Street, watched man putting steam roller on lorry.”

(That’s the spirit.)


“Woke up 8.35, had double Sociology. Had R.E. with Mr. Rogers, student, again, he was a heck of a laugh. After school, went to Bangor, bought green blouse for disco. Went to see HMS Pinafore, with Auntie Ann, Uncle Tom, Auntie Enid and Dad. Maggie also came.”


“Woke up 8.40, was not late for school though. Had computer programme on telly. Had Biol test paper back, I had 26 ½/50, which is 53%. Watched Coronation Street, Benny Hill, and Minder.”


“Woke up 8.30, had double General Science with Tony. Mandy lent me her make up, experimented when I got home. Had 50p off Mrs Vaughn. Watched Shoestring.”


Valentine Disco

“Woke up 8.30. Went to school (FFS look, can you just make a note of it if for some reason you didn’t go to school? Otherwise I’ll just assume you did.), did Cross Country in rain, had to run through the vill. in shorts. (Annie Agro is such a bitch.) Went to Valentine disco at 8 o’clock. Rhys Parry was there, but Tony wasn’t. (Rhys Parry? I make that a love hexagon now.) Andrea and Sarah came.”


“Phoned Tony. Went to Bangor. Watched O.T.T. and Dallas.”

(I have a feeling Tony’s phone call consisted of teenage breathing and not much else. I’m still mad at Tony though.)


“Had no cards. Went to church. Saw Wood & Walters (In church?).”

(‘Had no cards’. Mate. Once again you’ve reduced me to a blubbering mess. As soon as they invent time travel I’ll come back and take you out on the lash.)

cry 2

Oh well, let’s leave S here for now. You know what? I’m not entirely sure I’m on Team Tony any more. Maybe I’ll switch my allegiance to Team Mrs. Vaughn.

Tampons and stealing: 12 upcoming charity months

Personally, I love being told what to do every single fucking month. I find myself enjoying Veganuary so much I forget to look forward to Stoptober.

I’ve compiled a list of all the upcoming rhyming charity shit for next year, so you can live through this hell with me. Mark these in your diary.


pretty young lady riding a horse on the beach in early morning

Everyone has to wear white and ride a horse. Other than that, no idea what you do. Something to do with women’s shit presumably.



Everyone spends the month doing things they consider beneath them, such as not reading the Guardian. Bonus points if you can prove you have a ‘working class friend’.

Eat Starch for March

starch for march

Eat some chips. Question mark profit. At least you care, not like those ignorant people.



Everyone decides to stop having clinical depression for the month, and to snap out of it. They then do fun things like raising their arms.

Gay for Pay for May

gay for pay for may

Self-explanatory. All proceeds go towards biscuits.

Watch Boon for June


You know the one with Michael Elphick in it? That. Raises awareness of something or other. Or you could watch Home To Roost, that was pretty good too.



All global conflicts must be settled by beating Shadow at Duel. Of course, we all remember last year’s controversy, when Shadow faced the U.N., who were disqualified because they couldn’t all fit on the podium.



Everyone rents out their genitals. Car boot sales are fun during this month.



Everyone must steal a minimum of 10 items. Stealing big items gets you extra points. So, for example, you won’t raise much awareness by stealing a ring pull, but you will by stealing a museum. Everyone on Twitter will call you an ‘inspiration’.



Nobody gets any until Bonfire Night. That’ll learn you. You should have gone to the car boot sales two months ago. Raises awareness of the fact that Nice Guys are owed sex in return for lending you a pen.



You know that thing you like doing? Stop it. No one’s allowed to do anything.



To raise awareness of men having dicks, all men are encouraged to walk round with their dicks out. If you call it a ‘willy’ you are disqualified. If you don’t have a dick (for example, because you’re a woman), you can borrow one from a neighbour. Thinking about it, this might be a real one.