You know what sentence I never thought I’d have to write? “In this story, Bob fucks Dizzy the cement mixer up the bum.” Yet here I am.

The events leading up to me writing this aren’t important, but they involve a hangover and Leeds beating Millwall. All you need to know is that I went down a rabbit hole featuring cement mixer buttocks, giant dildos and Postman Pat. Yes, poor Pat gets dragged into this too.

Disclaimer: Some of these are probably jokes. I hope they are. If you wrote one of these, and you’re reading this, I’d put money on you not passing a DBS check.

OK, let’s begin. Have some Toilet Duck on hand, to drink.

In case you don’t fancy Toilet Duck, I’ll be accompanying each entry with a picture of a suitable thing to drink while reading the… literature. Continue reading “The terrifying world of Bob the Builder erotic fanfiction” →

Do you like films that are called ‘TITS OF VENGEANCE’ and ‘BIG KICK’? I do, which is why I like to spend my time looking at VHS covers and imagining what the films might be like. This is because I am too boring and lazy to actually get the films.

Let’s have a look through some awesome VHS titles full of shooting and kicking and more shooting, and then I’ll go back to watching QVC, because that’s what I do.

Gymkata

This man’s opponents have actual machine guns, and still he manages to beat them up using only the power of aerobics. I like to think that once his enemies are lying in a bloody heap on the floor, our hero grapevines away. Continue reading “Stupid Action VHS Covers” →

The other day, me and Alex stuffed ourselves into his parents’ loft and dug out a stack of Turtles Adventures comics from the early 90s:

Rad, I think we can all agree.

The stories are the usual stuff about kicking Shredder in the bollocks while yelling “cowabunga”, but even better was the selection of adverts we found in there. Everyone from Smarties to UHU wanted to flog their tat in the Turtles comic, often with some very natty giveaways and special offers.

Join me on a bodacious consumer journey through the ads, featuring Batman, Edd the Duck, Super Mario, and lots more. And fucking stamp collecting. Because there’s always some killjoy trying to get kids into stamp collecting.

Batman Fruitmania

To cash in on Batman Returns, Rowntree’s have decided to try and convince everyone that Batman eats loads of jelly tots and polos. He does not. He eats nails. Continue reading “An early 90s comic advert bonanza” →

Lads, I’ve found the best thing in the world, courtesy of an A-Team annual:

Did I miss the bit in The A-Team where B.A. spends an entire episode looking after toddlers for no reason? I know they did that episode with Boy George but that still wasn’t as weird. Whatever – it’s apparently canon enough to deserve its own two page spread in the annual. Continue reading “The A-Team Annual: B.A.’s Babysitting Adventure” →

Today’s post is very exciting – I am doing cooking!

Sort of.

This isn’t going to be a proper recipe post, because I’m not going to write down my life story and every thought I’ve ever had before we get to the food part. Sorry about that.

Right, this is what we are making:

You understand why I’m sceptical of the claim that this falls into the category of ‘cooking’. However, it is around the right skill level for me, so I am optimistic. Continue reading “The Monster in the Milk: Cooking with Rainbow” →