Some lovely Daniel O’Donnell merchandise

Some lovely Daniel O’Donnell merchandise

In the book I wrote, the protagonist’s prized possession is a Daniel O’Donnell mug that gives her advice. To celebrate selling any copies of my book at all, I’m going to buy myself a lovely Daniel mug. Obviously this has led to me browsing various objets d’art featuring the twinkly Irish crooner, which I couldn’t not share with you, because I’m nice like that.

Bingo dabber

bingo dabber

Featuring all the floating Daniel heads you could ever want. Continue reading “Some lovely Daniel O’Donnell merchandise”

The top five 20p rides

If, like me, you love going on the Ball Slammer, the Pisswazzer, or Steve: The Ride, then chances are you were a regular on shit 20p kids’ rides during your childhood. For just 20 of your parents’ hard-earned p, you would climb on, or strap yourself in, or just sit there, and whoosh off to giddying heights of up to TWO FEET off the ground. Alternatively you’d whizz around at stomach churning speeds of 0.5mph.

I loved them, and here are my top five 20p rides –

5. Postman Pat

10p1

You sit in Pat’s van (right next to Pat, if you please), and the van… wobbles about a bit. The end.

This became popular a bit after my ride-riding career, but that never stopped me attempting to fit in the van as a large child, and then as a teenager, and then as a 34 year old woman. They don’t like me in our Morrisons. Continue reading “The top five 20p rides”

Keep Fit with World of Crap

Keep Fit with World of Crap

Imagine my feelings when, one morning, I looked in the mirror and realised I was hexagonal. That would have been OK had I been in a funny hall of mirrors, but I wasn’t.

I put my expanding body down to the following things –

1. Lard

2. Red wine

3. Ordering the mister to carry me everywhere, even when I didn’t want to go anywhere

4. No nice leg warmers in Primark

I was going to have to do some ‘Keep Fit’.

What is Keep Fit?

The Oxford English Dictionary defines Keep Fit as “the act of your mum moving up to four limbs at a time while wearing a leotard on a Tuesday evening”.

There are different levels of Keep Fit, ranging from Novice (being asleep in bed) to Expert (keeping your entire body off the ground for up to 30 seconds). Most people are already adept at the Novice activities, and with practice, anyone can work their way up to Expert, via a series of grapevines.

Can anyone do Keep Fit?

Yes! Consider this group of potential athletes:

kf1

They all have something in common, which is that they can all pull on some lycra and start leaking sweat! Although I’m not sure if worms sweat or not. They might not. Oh, and the Triceratop. You can’t do Keep Fit if you’re extinct. Continue reading “Keep Fit with World of Crap”

Vintage magazine adverts: Who are these people?

Vintage magazine adverts: Who are these people?

Welcome back to my occasional bit about the crap I find in old magazines. This morning I remembered I had a stack of old Just Seventeen mags, chock full of sassy advice, gorge hunks, and ‘what to do if your tampons fall out of your bag’. Looking back, this magazine was obsessed with tampons. They should have called it ‘Just Tampons’.

Anyway, I did manage to find some non-tampon content in there, including Pen Pals, the Rad Olympics, and some dude…

Kym Sims

EPSON MFP image

Who is Kym Sims? Or Kim Syms? Or Kym Syms? Whatever, who’s the bird stood there in her knickers? She wants us to know that her new single, ‘A Little Bit More’, is out now.

I’ve never heard this song, but I’m 99% sure the lyrics are as follows:

“That mash was lovely,
But I’m still a bit hungry,
Can I have a little bit more?

What do you mean you’ve had the rest of it?
What do you mean ‘there are still some carrots’?
No one cares about that
You greedy prick”

(repeat chorus) Continue reading “Vintage magazine adverts: Who are these people?”