I love beige. Obviously, anyone who doesn’t love beige should be shunned for being an individual. And because I am a woman one, I also love things like wallpaper, shopping, and shopping for wallpaper. I know this to be true because I read it on some website once.

Fun fact: since 1960, people have put up wallpaper in order to stop their walls becoming portals to hell.

Anyway, I figured I’d review some beige wallpaper. Because, you know.

Graham & Brown Superfresco Colour Aaron Decorative Wallpaper Beige

This is good because it says on the Wickes website how to put it up (paste the paper). This is ideal for people who hadn’t yet figured that out.

Aside from that, this wallpaper has a lot going for it. It’s beige, which I like because that website said I do, it sticks to the wall (I assume), and it doesn’t provoke ‘nam flashbacks like Homebase ‘Nam Flashback Red’.

Celebrities who might like this wallpaper: George Clooney, that one off London’s Burning, Rene Descartes.

Did I ever tell you about the time my sister shit up the wall? Continue reading “Reviewing beige wallpaper” →

Everyone knows Barbie can’t hold down a job for more than a day. Reasons for this include, but are not limited to, the following –

• Having sex with the boss on the first day
• Being dim
• Lacking flexible limbs
• Office politics
• That time she threatened to cut that woman

The point is that Barbie has had some tough breaks over the years, but that has never dampened her entrepreneurial spirit. Like a well-worn rag, she dusts herself off and gets back on the horse. Which is a shame, because Barbie’s horse can’t really go anywhere on account of not being alive.

Anyway, let’s take a look back at some of Barbie’s less widely remembered jaunts into the world of work… Continue reading “The lesser-known careers of Barbie” →

Tough guys in the 80s and 90s: for whatever reason it was important that we looked and acted like Mr. T, Chuck Norris, and the criminals of the day, despite being eight years old and the owner of a My Little Pony lunchbox.

At our school, it was imperative that we gave the impression of A) not giving a fuck what anyone thought of us (especially teachers) and B) being able to roundhouse kick anyone in the school into the middle of next week. It also helped if we could project the aura of someone who carried guns, and who had the Hell’s Angels on speed-dial (assuming our mums let us use the phone).

Because we were all idiots, we used to take our cues from the popular tv shows and movies of the day, thinking that if we just copied whatever punk, tough guy or shit gang member (I’m looking at you Los Locos) was on the screen at the time, then their street cred would rub off on us. If we acted like them and did the following things, then our enemies would run and hide in a bin when they saw us coming.

It never worked. All that happened was that we either got laughed at or told off by grown ups.

1. Dyeing your hair

Where we lived, only troublemakers and yobbos dyed their hair. Any colour that wasn’t the regulation black, brown, blonde or ginger marked you out as the sort of person that shoplifted and had run-ins with the fuzz. In reality, the yobbos were more likely to sit around listening to vinyl and looking all sad, but we weren’t to know that. Continue reading “12 things that made you look hard as a kid” →