You know what’s a lot of fun? Getting pissed to block out the pain. It’s one of Britain’s oldest traditions, along with queuing and tutting.
These days, I tend to stick to hipster gin and nice wine, because I am a twat. Back in the day, though, the world of alcohol was a wonderful and mysterious one. Adults would get together to drink these brightly coloured potions that transformed them from sad to happy to sad again, only more sad than before. Also they smoked ciggies and talked about “Alan who did you-know-what with the Avon lady”.
Meanwhile, the kids would be banished to the corner of the room, with our She Ra figures and our Panda Pops, trying to hear the adults’ conversation because you knew they were going to say ‘willy’ at some point, because that’s what adults say.
I’m getting a bit off topic here. The point is that there was some interesting booze knocking about when I was younger. Granted, these days we have ‘hand-pissed violet and beef gin’, but does that have Lorraine Chase advertising it? It does not.
Let’s begin with a classic – one of the first alcopops, which meant 13 (cough I mean 18) year olds like me didn’t have to drink stuff that tasted like Chanel No. 5. Continue reading “A review of 80s and 90s booze”
In today’s episode, we discover several life changing things:
1. There are bones in your body.
2. Rainbow shares a universe with Threads.
3. Bungle is a serial killer.
Let’s begin. The gang are sitting around singing about Old Mother Hubbard, because they don’t have jobs.
I can never understand why Bungle chooses to balance his voluminous arse on that stool. I live in constant fear that the stool will go up his bum. Maybe that’s why he looks so terrified. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: CSI Bungle”
People who are scared of skeletons are idiots. Skeletons are awesome, not least because they make a xylophone noise when they run. I like skeletons so much that we have a life size one in our spare room. His name is Juan and he wears a Santa hat. I’m not going to answer any further questions.
Also – I don’t want to alarm you, but you might have a skeleton living in your body right now.
Anyway, instead of doing the washing up I’ve decided to write a list of my favourite skeletons.
To which everyone immediately replies “But what about Sans!?!”. Fuck off. Sans is too good and I can’t beat him. His brother, on the other hand, was nice enough to go on a date with me even though he didn’t like me that way, and consistently fails to do the ‘Junior Jumble’ puzzle in the paper. He goes round in homemade fancy dress, and only wants to capture you so he can make some friends. Don’t get me started on his ‘Cool Dude’ t-shirt. Continue reading “My favourite skeletons”
I’ll be honest, this post is just an attempt to make me feel less shit about supporting Leeds.
Anyway, I keep telling myself that supporting Leeds is better than supporting a team with a literal pair of bollocks as a mascot (more on that later). That’s what I keep telling myself, as I cry into my gin.
So to cheer myself up, I’d like to show you some shit and terrifying mascots that still somehow manage to be brilliant.
Fun fact: I’ve met one of these guys, can you guess which one? (Hint: It’s Boiler Man.)
1. Help, It Burns!
AKA Kingsley from Partick Thistle. This is why people in Scotland have to do heroin all the time. Continue reading “Shit and terrifying football mascots”
Apologies for the lack of posts recently. Three reasons:
1. Been to Wales to visit family, and everyone knows they don’t have the internet in Wales.
2. Been sorting out an allotment as part of my ongoing Arthur Fowler cosplay.
3. I’m just getting over flu, and today I feel like I’ve been hit in the face with an alsatian or similar.
Anyway, while I was in Wales, I stood in a shop and said to myself ‘You know what would be a really good idea and definitely not a waste of money? Buying a dozen shit badges.’ So that’s what I did.
Don’t go with a stranger
The badge is right. Trust me. I talked to a stranger the other week, and they turned out to be boring as fuck and then I couldn’t get away without being rude.
The badge doesn’t say anything about not going off with multiple strangers. Continue reading “My crappy badge collection”