Thanks to Patrick Heaviside for giving me this stupid idea in the first place.

You know what it’s like. The cat’s nagging you because you haven’t fed it for a week. So you feed the cat, and then it starts talking like Fenella Fielding and decides it wants to do sex with you. Happens every Saturday.

NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T.

This is the main reason I’ve been collecting various cat food adverts to share with you. While dogs are either cockneys (wrong) or talk like the dog from that credit score advert (right), cats are apparently always after some. Not only that, but the owners seem to want some sexy doings with the cat, and no one bats an eyelid. Continue reading “An essay on sexy cat food adverts” →

It’s a Saturday sometime in 1992. Because you’ve been hard at work all week writing about dinosaurs and using the trundle wheel, you deserve a day off, right? Do you balls. What you shall instead be required to do is accompany your parents on a day out to Wakefield, Goole or similar. This is because they want to look at different kinds of cushion covers (mother) and wires in Tandy (father).

At some point during your excursion, you will be dragged along to the indoor market. This is mostly so your mother can tut at the quality of the meat. An official complaint to the ombusdman (father) yields nothing, as he wants to look at tapes. Therefore, an hour of your Saturday afternoon is taken up with trudging round, not really being able to see any of the stalls, and having to take your parents’ word for it that “there aren’t any toys, they don’t sell them here”.

Now that I’m an adult, I love to visit indoor markets. This is because I am now boring and lame, but also because indoor markets are awesome. The main reason I love indoor markets is you never quite know what you’re going to find in them. Our local one, for example, has three stalls selling hi-vis vests, a Chinese medicine place, and a retro game stall. Also a stall with the following:

– so much porcelain crap that bits of it fall on the floor and smash whenever someone walks past
– three Elvis t-shirts
– puzzle books with the free pens missing Continue reading “The indoor market: a field guide” →

A little while ago I wrote about a bunch of odd things I found on the internet, or lurking on my hard drive.

And by “a little while ago”, I meant yesterday, or three and a half years ago. I’m not much for set deadlines.

But as it turns out, the inked-in-blood contract I signed with Jenny had some fine print. Apparently if I don’t write a follow-up, she gets my immortal soul.

She also gets my DVD of SHAUN OF THE DEAD, which I consider a lot more valuable, and slightly less worn out.

So guess what, we’re going back for a second look at whatever the hell I find today. I’ll even add helpfully descriptive headings this time. Continue reading “Weird shit reviews vol 2: Come on my house” →

When I was a kid, I’d spend many a happy Friday evening at the video shop, trying to sneak a peek at the videos that weren’t meant for my 6 year old eyes, before my mother caught me and dragged me off to look at Huckleberry Hound videos.

Apart from staring in amused incomprehension at The Lovers’ Guide, the main attraction was the horror section. This was because horror movies always had the most interesting covers. I never really understood what was supposed to be going on in the films, but I knew it was probably something quite naughty.

As an adult, horror covers look less terrifying than they used to, and mostly as if they were made by divs. I’m building up a pretty good collection of the best examples, so let’s have a look through some super duper scary classics. In keeping with tradition, I’m just going to try and guess what the plot of the film is.

Disclaimer: none of these are as good as the imaginary film I dreamed about, called ‘Bum Dracula’.

Ghost House

The plot: That girl is angry because she’s been touching one of those science balls and it’s made her hair go like that. Maybe the house is a ghost? Continue reading “Stupid horror VHS covers” →