Shit clipart: How to swim edition

Shit clipart: How to swim edition

Just something little today, from the gallery of 1,000,000,000,000,000 clipart I bought for a quid.

There’s a whole section of what I assume are swimming instructions. I think the idea is to add your own text, so that’s what I’ve done, to the best of my ability.

The instructions were probably meant to be in Comic Sans, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that.

Right then.

1. Do not dive into a tiny puddle.


2. Especially do not dive head first into 1ft of water.


3. Make sure your balls touch the water before any other part of you.


4. If the water is intimidating you, challenge it to a dance-off.


5. If you do a fart in the pool, waft it away towards someone else.


6. If the water is mean to you, ignore it and it will go away.


7. This is not swimming. Not sure what this is.


8. Always exit the water by diving out of it.



The Shit Clipart Showcase Part 1

The Shit Clipart Showcase Part 1

Today we picked up this CD-Rom for one quid:


We paid one whole quid for this thing.

“Get it” said Alex.

“No fuck off it’s shit,” I replied.

“No it’ll be great,” he said.

And the following is why I always listen to Alex.

I’m just going to present these without context, because… because.

1. Interesting faces

2. Hats


3. Unsettled babies


4. Interesting faces part 2

5. This guy


6. Rad things

7. Interesting faces part 3

8. Weird maths that makes no sense






If you’d like to contribute to this nonsense, have a look at my Patreon.

Rainbow episode review: The Crying Game

Rainbow episode review: The Crying Game

This episode is all about crying if someone laughs at you or calls you a dickhead. As you know, it is never OK for anyone to ever laugh or take the piss out of anything.

Let’s begin with Geoffrey’s new jumper.


If you laugh at Geoffrey’s shit jumper you are a bigot. So don’t do that.

“Jane’s given me this sweater! Aren’t I lucky to get a present like this!”

Implying that A) That was originally Jane’s, and B) Geoffrey has never used the word ‘lucky’ in a sentence before. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: The Crying Game”

13 stupid Mills and Boon covers

13 stupid Mills and Boon covers

Right let’s start the new year as we mean to carry on – by writing shit that 7 people will read.

I keep seeing books with titles like ‘Love’s Long Fanny’, ‘He Lit Up My Bum’, and ‘They Met In Netto’. These are in spinning wire racks in charity shops and are read by horny old ladies. I’ve never read one, but I like to look at the covers and imagine what the stories are.

Join me for tales of romance, intrigue, and accidental farting…

Dangerous Lover

dangerous lover

It’s the horse isn’t it. The horse is the dangerous lover. We’ve all heard that story. Continue reading “13 stupid Mills and Boon covers”