How to pull a sickie

You know how it is – you stayed up late last night, because you had to watch American Gladiators at midnight, because you’re poor and don’t have a long play video recorder. On top of that, you’ve got PE this morning, and you don’t want to run around in your cullottes losing at rounders with your fat on display.

There’s only one thing for it – start developing that dicky tummy you definitely had last night. Maybe you had some gone off turkey drummers? Or maybe you caught something from your friend who your mum thinks is “a bit common”.

Whatever – you’re now at death’s door and can’t go to school.

1 Continue reading “How to pull a sickie”

10 terrifying idents

10 terrifying idents

Idents are fascinating aren’t they? By ‘fascinating’, I mean ‘hideous and disturbing a lot of the time’. Having said that, I’m not much of a judge of what’s scary – when I was a kid I was terrified of Max Headroom, and an antiques shop my dad used to take me in.

My mental defects aside, the world of idents is a strange one, one where the creators appear to have carte blanche to spew out the contents of their nightmares, as long as it gets people’s attention.

Here are 10 idents that have helped shape me into the rational, well adjusted adult I am today. Continue reading “10 terrifying idents”

Duvet covers of the 80s and 90s

Hello, how are you? I am fine. I won’t lie, this one is just an excuse to crack open my old Argos catalogues again. It was raining outside and I was trying to avoid the dog, so I started pissing about with them in order to look busy. I thought it might be fun to show you all the cool and rad duvet covers I found.

As a kid, your duvet performs many important functions:

  • roof of a den
  • something to sulk under
  • status symbol
  • playing ‘sausage rolls’
  • something to lie under while drinking Lucozade and gazing disinteresedly at Kilroy

Most of my duvet covers were hand-me-downs from my older sisters, but that didn’t stop me flicking through catalogues, dreaming of being able to cover my bed with Sonic the Hedgehog, She-Ra or similar. And now I’m 34, so I am only allowed to have flowers on my duvet covers. It is the law.

Anyway, take a look at these bad boys…

Action duvet covers

action duvet covers Continue reading “Duvet covers of the 80s and 90s”

A Matey Bubble Bath Bonanza

You know what kids love? Lanolin and hexachlorophene. I know I did when I was a kid, which is why I spent so much time in the bath whenever my parents bought Matey.

I’m a sucker for novelty bubble baths, which is a shame because now I’m 34, I have to use things like ‘lettuce and pinecone scrub-me-down’. Joke’s on them though – I still buy Matey. Being an adult can sod off.

matey main

I’ve just got why Matey was originally a sailor bottle. After 34 years. Continue reading “A Matey Bubble Bath Bonanza”

Rainbow episode review: Ace Ventura Pet Defective

This episode legitimately gives me the shits, because I keep having this dream where I own a cat, but I forget to feed it for a week, and when I remember, it’s been stuck in a box in the garage for a week. I do not own a cat. Or a garage.

Anyway, this episode seems to be the physical manifestation of my subconscious. Can you tell I’m writing this first thing in the morning?

In this episode, Zippy, George and Bungle decide they want a pet, despite being pets themselves. Maybe they want to move up the social ladder a bit, I don’t know.

Let’s start at the beginning. The gang have been to the zoo, and are celebrating by singing. When I say ‘singing’, imagine I’ve never heard the word ‘singing’ before and I don’t know what it means:

Eurovision quality.

The point is that they’ve been to the zoo. My question is this – how did they manage that? Especially Bungle. Zippy and George I can sort of understand, but Bungle? Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Ace Ventura Pet Defective”

Here Come The Space Girls (AKA Bints Make The Tea)

Right, are you ready for a gut-busting adventure with some woman ones? I’m not, which is why I’ve been putting it off for so long. However, this is better than playing fetch with an idiot dog who doesn’t understand the concept of ‘fetch’, which is my other option this afternoon.

Anyway. This story was found deep in the pages of the 1980 Daily Mirror Book For Girls.

EPSON MFP image

Shoes! Tea! Thrills! Fighting! Shoes! These are just none of the exciting things that await you in Here Come The Space Girls. Apart from shoes and tea, they’re in there.

Our story begins in the year 2501, in Sardinia. Presumably the publicity from Italia 90 did them some good, because now it’s the space capital of the world. In this modern, progressive society, women are no longer limited to careers like secretaries, nurses or air hostesses. Now they can be space secretaries, space nurses or space air hostesses!

EPSON MFP image

Right. Fran’s rich uncle has bought her a car. Good. Good for her. Is it possible to type and shrug at the same time? Turns out it is.

And then… DISASTER! Either they splash their captain, or they shoot fire at him. It’s hard to tell in black and white. This is OK though, because Captain Pepper is “stern”, which is shorthand for “will almost certainly fuck Fran by panel 6”. The point is that women can’t drive, not even future women. Continue reading “Here Come The Space Girls (AKA Bints Make The Tea)”