Rainbow episode review: God got me pregnant lads

Rainbow episode review: God got me pregnant lads

It’s December! Again. This seems to happen every year.

You know what else happens once a year? Bungle wears clothes. Some years it’s pyjamas, other years it’s an entire hat. This year, he’s decided to wear a dress and some tinsel. This is because he wants to show off his holy and glorious bum.

I wrote about this episode about six years ago, but I feel that I’ve grown as a person since those days, and I wanted to have another crack at it, now that I can appreciate all the subtleties the episode has to offer.

Lol I said ‘crack’.

Let’s begin. Geoffrey is showing off his banging Nativity scene.

guess what

“Lads, guess what?” he says. “I’ve decided we’re all going to become vegans, so no Christmas presents for you this year!”

reaction

The others believe him, the idiots. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: God got me pregnant lads”

TV shows you’ve never heard of: The Super Mario Challenge

TV shows you’ve never heard of: The Super Mario Challenge

As a teenager growing up in the early ‘90s, I managed to pester convince my parents to get Sky TV.  It’s hard to encapsulate the feeling in today’s Netflix laden, on demand world, but the euphoria of being able to watch more than four channels was truly liberating at the time, and while I only really begged my parents to get it so I could see The Simpsons and WWF, having a love for video games also allowed me to discover a host of related shows to cater my fixation.  One of which was The Children’s Channel’s The Super Mario Challenge.

1

Officially produced in association with Nintendo, The Super Mario Challenge was essentially a TV version of cult Nintendo 90 minute advert movie The Wizard, only less of a kiddies knock-off of Rain Man and 100% less Fred Savage.

2

The show was presented by John Lenahan, whose name makes him sound like a Beatle with a speech impediment, but he was in fact an American magician jobbing as a kiddies’ game show host, that was only ever watched by me and whoever uploaded this video to YouTube. Continue reading “TV shows you’ve never heard of: The Super Mario Challenge”

Weird shit reviews: Alan and other stories

Weird shit reviews: Alan and other stories

Editor’s note – this isn’t by me, this is by my New Zealand buddy Distorted Kiwi. He wants that name because he wants to be a supervillain at some point in the future. Check him out on Twitter, he’s rather hilarious.

Hey, internet. I’m The Distorted Kiwi. I’m not English, unlike every other atom that makes up this website.

But a while back, Jenny made the mistake of asking people on Twitter to send her goofy stuff to make her day better.

So I started sending her the stupidest things I could find, and haven’t stopped since.

1

(Things like this. David Cronenberg apparently started moonlighting at “Toys-‘R’-ARRRGH”)

I’m expecting the restraining order any day now, once the Royal Mail figures out where New Zealand is. Continue reading “Weird shit reviews: Alan and other stories”

Save the thing! – crappy board games in annuals

Save the thing! – crappy board games in annuals

One classic and enduring staple of annuals is the crappy board game where you have to provide half the pieces yourself, and which you probably don’t want to play anyway. Despite having owned approximately 48,000 different annuals throughout my career as a hoarder, I’ve never once been tempted to play any of these games.

Today, however, I’m going to… no, I’d be lying to myself if I said I was going to play any of these fuckers. I will share them with you, just in case you’re at a loose end. Your end would have to be pretty bloody loose, to be fair.

Anyway, as you’ll see, these games tend to follow a pretty standard format – roll the dice, move along some squares, try not to die, and then the winner usually has the honour of saving a thing. Sometimes that thing is worth saving, other times it’s something Bungle cares about.

Save Count Duckula (Count Duckula annual 1990)

save count duckula

This game is for two players – you, and someone you hate. Your job is to reach the castle before your opponent, and warn Duckula that Von Goosewing is coming to murder him. As ‘opponent’, your job is to get to the castle and murder Duckula. Deadly hazards encountered along the way include dropping your sandwiches, and Nanny squashing you. Continue reading “Save the thing! – crappy board games in annuals”

Depressed cat learns things: my new favourite Youtube channel

Depressed cat learns things: my new favourite Youtube channel

There’s a channel on YouTube called ‘Kids Video Show’, and I’ve become obsessed with it. As you might have gathered from the title, it does videos for kids. On a budget of 7p. By people who have never met any kids.

Along with various interesting takes on fairy tales, the channel produces a series called ‘Tell Me Why?’, where a cat with the face of a depressed human knobs around talking to a turtle/Michelin tyres hybrid. There’s a lot of Comic Sans.

Here is a screenshot from an average episode:

screenshot

Please note the black square that never manages to go away for the whole episode, and the teacher character that’s had god knows what done to it in the name of science.

I think that teacher one is supposed to answer questions from the depressed human cat and the broken turtle, but all that ends up happening is the viewer ends up with more questions than they started with. If the viewer is me. Continue reading “Depressed cat learns things: my new favourite Youtube channel”

The Ladybird book of shit presents

The Ladybird book of shit presents

Hello. Has your mother bullied you into accepting an invite to Danielle’s birthday party, even though you and Danielle are sworn enemies and your mother should know better? Never fear, because I have the answer to your problem:

The Ladybird book of shit homemade presents!

BRW90324B758B0C_000001

Since we’re all middle aged on this blog (and if you’re not, what are you doing reading this on a Friday night? Go out and get laid for fuck’s sake), chances are our mothers haven’t made us go to Danielle’s birthday party recently. However, there are still plenty of handy things to make ‘n’ do in this book.

For example, if you work in an office where everyone has those “You don’t have to be a twat to work here, but I still am a twat” signs, then you’ll probably be forced to participate in a ‘Secret Santa’ every year, where you have to buy something for Yvonne, who you hate. If this is the predicament you find yourself in, I suggest you make Yvonne a recorder case or a shit Gonk – that’ll learn her.

Alternatively, make these presents and give them to the following people:

  • That one at work who eats egg sandwiches
  • Any murderers you happen to know
  • Women who post inspirational selfies
  • That woman off the Oral B advert

Now all we need is a company to start making “Yes I know this is shit but at least I haven’t kicked you up the arse, which is what I wanted to do” cards, and we’re all set. Continue reading “The Ladybird book of shit presents”

The wonderful world of regional adverts

The wonderful world of regional adverts

When regional adverts were on TV, I was too young to appreciate them. All they meant to small me was that my parents might drag me round yet another carpet shop or caravan showroom, promising to stop at McDonald’s if I was “good”. (I never was. I’d “shown them up” by touching the carpets or whatever.)

The point is that regional adverts are a wonderland of tat and mullets that I can appreciate now that I’m old and sagging. Get your eyes ready for a tour of Britain, stopping at Yorkshire, HTV, Central, and some other places, I don’t know.

Readyspex 

From shops everywhere. If you’re in Blackburn.

This is fine I guess, until the end. WHY IS THERE A DOG.

Mike’s Carpets 

Do not say one bad word about Mike or I will cut you. (And to my Twitter followers: you’re wrong. He would beat the hell out of Don Amott in a fight.)

Mike was world famous in the Leeds area for his quality carpets at low low prices, and his mullet, which apparently he still has to this day. I do hope that’s true. Continue reading “The wonderful world of regional adverts”