The Shit Clipart Showcase Part 1

The Shit Clipart Showcase Part 1

Today we picked up this CD-Rom for one quid:

BRW90324B758B0C_001198

We paid one whole quid for this thing.

“Get it” said Alex.

“No fuck off it’s shit,” I replied.

“No it’ll be great,” he said.

And the following is why I always listen to Alex.

I’m just going to present these without context, because… because.

1. Interesting faces

2. Hats

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3. Unsettled babies

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4. Interesting faces part 2

5. This guy

G0210775

6. Rad things

7. Interesting faces part 3

8. Weird maths that makes no sense

maths

9. THIS FUCKING HORSE

G0432850

 

Fin.

If you’d like to contribute to this nonsense, have a look at my Patreon.

Rainbow episode review: The Crying Game

Rainbow episode review: The Crying Game

This episode is all about crying if someone laughs at you or calls you a dickhead. As you know, it is never OK for anyone to ever laugh or take the piss out of anything.

Let’s begin with Geoffrey’s new jumper.

1

If you laugh at Geoffrey’s shit jumper you are a bigot. So don’t do that.

“Jane’s given me this sweater! Aren’t I lucky to get a present like this!”

Implying that A) That was originally Jane’s, and B) Geoffrey has never used the word ‘lucky’ in a sentence before. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: The Crying Game”

13 stupid Mills and Boon covers

13 stupid Mills and Boon covers

Right let’s start the new year as we mean to carry on – by writing shit that 7 people will read.

I keep seeing books with titles like ‘Love’s Long Fanny’, ‘He Lit Up My Bum’, and ‘They Met In Netto’. These are in spinning wire racks in charity shops and are read by horny old ladies. I’ve never read one, but I like to look at the covers and imagine what the stories are.

Join me for tales of romance, intrigue, and accidental farting…

Dangerous Lover

dangerous lover

It’s the horse isn’t it. The horse is the dangerous lover. We’ve all heard that story. Continue reading “13 stupid Mills and Boon covers”

World of Crap reviews Christmas food

World of Crap reviews Christmas food

(Editor’s note: the views expressed in this post are the author’s own, and are quite often shit and wrong.)

Another Rock and Roll Christmas!*

*Rock is what you do when your try to get off your inflated arse and rolls are what you’re made of.

It’s time for the annual festive gorge!

Salt Crackers Party Mix

crackers

Sounds an awful lot like the playlist of someone who is equally acerbic and insane.

These would appear every year. I’m still at a loss as to know why, their varying shapes belying the identical nature of their flavour. These things tasted dry, slightly burned, and yes very very salty. I may or may not have once referred to them as ‘crystallised spunk waffles’… which was indeed quite a mouthful.

Some of these were pretzel shaped, others were sticks and there were flat round ones as well. I’m inclined to think they all had original and or weird sounding names, they were however all just salty twigs. The kind of snack that they might offer in a pub to make you thirsty and therefore buy more drinks. Those landlords eh? If they don’t sodomise your liver they’ll give you high blood pressure.

Thankfully these went from being a yearly oddity to unpleasant memory reasonably rapidly. Continue reading “World of Crap reviews Christmas food”

“Lo – Mary’s Breast”: The 80s Nativity Play

“Lo – Mary’s Breast”: The 80s Nativity Play

It’s that time of year again, that strikes joy or dread into the heart of every 5 year old, depending on how much of an unpopular div they are.

Ladies and gentlemen: the Nativity play.

nativity 1

Around the beginning of October, you’ll notice your teacher has started behaving very strangely – muttering to themselves, staring at bits of paper, and chain smoking while they’re supposed to be teaching you about triceratops.

This can only mean one thing: they’ve been given the honourable task of arranging this year’s Nativity play. ‘Nativity’, if you’re not aware, is Latin for “God got me up the stick and then Jesus shot out of my fanny – The Musical”. It’s also Latin for “It’s your fucking turn Phil, I did it last year and Sharon did it the year before that.”

So the task falls to your teacher to give every child an equally large and important role, despite that being an unachievable task.

Roles were allocated to children based on the following criteria:

  • Are they reasonably normal looking, and unlikely to piss on the stage? (Mary/Joseph)
  • Can they read more than three words without crying? (Angel Gabriel/Narrator)
  • Do they have their own tea towels? (Shepherds)
  • Do they have a beard (unlikely but you never know)? (Kings)
  • Are they fat and clumsy with a mullet? (Donkey)
  • Are they naughty but their parents are a big wheel at the cracker factory? (Innkeeper)
  • Does your school have a budget of more than 3p? (Herod)
  • Are they snot-and-lurgie-riddled gimps who must be kept away from the public at all costs? (Chorus)

Continue reading ““Lo – Mary’s Breast”: The 80s Nativity Play”