My letter to Santa (sponsored by the 1991 Argos catalogue)

My letter to Santa (sponsored by the 1991 Argos catalogue)

Dear Santa,

How are you? I am fine. Did you like that thing I did the other year, when I wrapped up my boyfriend’s glasses and gave them to him for Christmas? He didn’t think it was funny but it was.

This year, I would like the following things please. I know you won’t read this letter properly, because you never do, what with being rushed off your feet, and cuts and whatever. That’s why I’ll end up getting slippers and a set of notelets. Never mind, it’s the thought that counts.

But just in case it makes your job easier, here’s a list of things I always wanted but never managed to get. Some were no doubt too expensive, some were too old/too young (delete as applicable), and some were just “We’re not getting her that Phil, she’ll play with it once then break it.”

Anyway, get me this stuff please. I’ll give you the money at some point.

1. Helix cash box

cash box

For keeping all my money safe. All the 35p that I have, and probably a paperclip I found on the floor and decided could be used as currency in a game of She-Ra. The point is, my sisters won’t be able to get in this box and see my secret note that says I love Daniel and not Ben. And the one that says my sisters are bastards.

What I will get instead: An ornament for my mantelpiece. (I don’t have a mantelpiece.) Continue reading “My letter to Santa (sponsored by the 1991 Argos catalogue)”

Crap Cups part 3: Barry Manilow extravaganza

Crap Cups part 3: Barry Manilow extravaganza

Welcome back to my museum of shit mugs. As I write this, I have an unopened present from one of my family members under my Christmas tree. It is definitely mug shaped.

It is either:

  • A Daniel O’Donnell mug
  • Unicorn nonsense that has a pack of sweets in it
  • A hilarious mug with a picture of a cock on it that someone’s bought me from a charity shop

I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, please enjoy this cavalcade of penguins, royal weddings, and steam trains.

Andy and Fergie’s wedding (from Catt Weazle)

catt weazle andy fergie Continue reading “Crap Cups part 3: Barry Manilow extravaganza”

Technology for idiots and the under fives

Technology for idiots and the under fives

The other day I tried to get the Windows connected to the thing and the iPad, but I couldn’t. This is because I am a raging div. Therefore, I have decided to shun all technology because I can’t do it and I’m frightened of it.

I’ve decided to adopt a simpler way of life, where I don’t need to bother trying to figure any of this shit out. I shall go back to the ways of my forefathers, and use stuff where you only have to turn a knob. This will in no way affect my quality of life. And if it does, my Plan B is to run away and live off the land, probably round the back of a Moto Services.


The problem: I can’t get anything to connect to the bus hole, and Windows keeps interrupting my shit with updates, and I keep accidentally setting random pictures off Google as my desktop background. At the moment it’s a picture of a stock exchange.


The solution: Tomy Tutor Play Computer. This bad boy can perform all the tasks I need it to do, such as making words appear on the screen. There’s also a picture of a horse for if things get stressful. And the picture tells you it’s a horse, in case you forgot. Continue reading “Technology for idiots and the under fives”

The Secret Santa Box o’ Crap

The Secret Santa Box o’ Crap

Well, it’s nearly Christmas, and you know what that means, don’t you?

It means I’ll send this Yuletide-themed bunch of words to Jenny, and she’ll post it in mid-May to make me look like a twat.

She’ll also keep taunting me with the phrase “Jammie Dodgers”, knowing I can’t buy them in New Zealand.

But the other thing it means is that the workplace tradition of the Secret Santa has come around again. Along with other workplace traditions, such as getting drunk at the office party and snogging someone regrettable.

My Sant-ee this year was a fairly new employee, a few decades younger than me. Also, female. This meant the usual hilariously-unfunny gag bloke gifts were off the table. Anyone want to buy a pair of novelty boxer shorts, unworn?

So, to increase my odds of finding something she liked, I grabbed a bunch of random things. Things that got more random as I looked for those last few things to fill a Christmas Box o’ Crap.

So I wrote her a letter to try and explain my thought process.

Which then became a blog post, like what you are reading now.

But first, this:

cat Continue reading “The Secret Santa Box o’ Crap”

Rainbow episode review: God got me pregnant lads

Rainbow episode review: God got me pregnant lads

It’s December! Again. This seems to happen every year.

You know what else happens once a year? Bungle wears clothes. Some years it’s pyjamas, other years it’s an entire hat. This year, he’s decided to wear a dress and some tinsel. This is because he wants to show off his holy and glorious bum.

I wrote about this episode about six years ago, but I feel that I’ve grown as a person since those days, and I wanted to have another crack at it, now that I can appreciate all the subtleties the episode has to offer.

Lol I said ‘crack’.

Let’s begin. Geoffrey is showing off his banging Nativity scene.

guess what

“Lads, guess what?” he says. “I’ve decided we’re all going to become vegans, so no Christmas presents for you this year!”


The others believe him, the idiots. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: God got me pregnant lads”

TV shows you’ve never heard of: The Super Mario Challenge

TV shows you’ve never heard of: The Super Mario Challenge

As a teenager growing up in the early ‘90s, I managed to pester convince my parents to get Sky TV.  It’s hard to encapsulate the feeling in today’s Netflix laden, on demand world, but the euphoria of being able to watch more than four channels was truly liberating at the time, and while I only really begged my parents to get it so I could see The Simpsons and WWF, having a love for video games also allowed me to discover a host of related shows to cater my fixation.  One of which was The Children’s Channel’s The Super Mario Challenge.


Officially produced in association with Nintendo, The Super Mario Challenge was essentially a TV version of cult Nintendo 90 minute advert movie The Wizard, only less of a kiddies knock-off of Rain Man and 100% less Fred Savage.


The show was presented by John Lenahan, whose name makes him sound like a Beatle with a speech impediment, but he was in fact an American magician jobbing as a kiddies’ game show host, that was only ever watched by me and whoever uploaded this video to YouTube. Continue reading “TV shows you’ve never heard of: The Super Mario Challenge”

Weird shit reviews: Alan and other stories

Weird shit reviews: Alan and other stories

Editor’s note – this isn’t by me, this is by my New Zealand buddy Distorted Kiwi. He wants that name because he wants to be a supervillain at some point in the future. Check him out on Twitter, he’s rather hilarious.

Hey, internet. I’m The Distorted Kiwi. I’m not English, unlike every other atom that makes up this website.

But a while back, Jenny made the mistake of asking people on Twitter to send her goofy stuff to make her day better.

So I started sending her the stupidest things I could find, and haven’t stopped since.


(Things like this. David Cronenberg apparently started moonlighting at “Toys-‘R’-ARRRGH”)

I’m expecting the restraining order any day now, once the Royal Mail figures out where New Zealand is. Continue reading “Weird shit reviews: Alan and other stories”