Zipman and Bungle Lannister: Geeky episodes of Rainbow

Spoiler alert: this post contains spoilers for Rainbow. If you’re not up to date with Rainbow, you should probably go back and catch up on all 37,000 episodes before reading. And you see Bungle naked a bit.

The following episodes aren’t really Rainbow canon (if there is such a thing as sodding Rainbow canon. I need to go outside). I imagine Rainbow canon consists solely of something like George can’t find his jigsaw puzzle. Occasionally, the Rainbow gang would break away from this pattern and give us a nerdy homage to something like Superman or Star Trek. No I’m not joking, and no I haven’t been drinking Cillit Bang again, these episodes are real things. Allow me to demonstrate:

Batman: Zipman And Bobbin

You know this episode is going to be good right from the start, because Zippy jumps out of a box and makes Bungle shit himself. How did Zippy get in that box?

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Whatever. George joins Zippy in the box, and we take a disturbing dip into their imagination as they become ‘Zipman’ and ‘Bobbin the Boy Blunder’. Although I would have called him ‘George the killjoy who doesn’t understand jokes’.

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In a surprising twist, Geoffrey makes a bloody awesome Joker, although Bungle has made less of an effort, choosing to just be naked apart from a newspaper.

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For god’s sake Bungle, can’t you even make an effort when you’re being a Batman villain? The fact that this is all Zippy’s imagination and you have nothing to do with it is a poor excuse.

‘Joker Geoffrey’ and ‘Sourface Bungle’ have stolen all the jokes in the world so no one has anything to laugh at. Really, they should just follow me on Twitter if they want to avoid jokes. This works a bit, but they are foiled when, in an unorthodox twist, Zipman orders Bungle to fondle Geoffrey until he laughs.

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Superman : Super Bungle 

I think they chose Superman over Spider-Man because A) can you imagine Bungle in that Spider-Man lycra thing, and B) the name ‘Spider-Bungle’ is possibly too terrifying for 3 year olds to cope with. Whatever the reason, 1990 saw Bungle donning the over-underpants and the red cape to do battle with the evil Zipoid and his henchman, Mr Geoffrey.

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Zipoid wants all the toys in the world. This is ok, because apparently there are only about 30 toys in the entire world. That window is painted on.

It’s not exactly the computer bit from Superman 3, but it’s scary enough when you’re a small child. This shit terrified me back then:

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Mr Geoffrey uses ‘Bungleite’ to freeze Super Bungle to the spot so he can’t interfere. However, this magically doesn’t stop Super Bungle being able to talk. He orders George to get rid of the Bungleite Mr Geoffrey left behind; George does so, once he’s finished repeating Bungle’s orders back to him infuriatingly slowly.

Naturally Super Bungle saves the day. He does this by threatening Zipoid with… with… well I’m not sure what he’s threatening to do, but if I was Zipoid I wouldn’t want him to do it until he’d washed his hands. Bonus points for “YOU FOOL!”

If you want further mature and academic discussion about this episode, go here.

Star Trek: Outer Space

Zippy and George are manning the Bridge, Rod, Jane and Freddy are dicking about in a crater somewhere, and Bungle is a fat hairy Captain Kirk. I think Geoffrey is Uhura.

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I don’t know where they got the money for all that hi-tech equipment, like tin foil. Oh wait, they don’t have money on Star Trek do they? Whatever they use to pay for things then. Ivory?

Look at all the fancy Trek gear they have. For a start they have transporters, meaning they can make Bungle go be annoying somewhere else.

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They also have those bicycle things you get at Butlins in the 80s (shown above), and a telescope. Which Bungle isn’t even using properly.

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The plot is that they go for a day out in space. A day out. During which, Rod Jane and Freddy get into an argument with an alien because they’ve been littering, Geoffrey and Bungle get a flat tyre, and George questions the ethical ramifications of teaching Vulcans to feel love.

Game Of Thrones: King For A Day

People who have trouble equating Rainbow with Game Of Thrones have clearly never seen Bungle doing kinging.

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In this episode, Geoffrey has travelled on foot to Bungle’s kingdom, to plead for the life of Rod Jane and Freddy, who have been found guilty of conspiring to hide the storybook. Zippy, playing Tyrion, sits there taking the piss. In the end, Bungle orders Rod Jane and Freddy to be torn apart by dragons.

Back in the real world, King Bungle has actually ordered Zippy to make him some jam tarts. Then Jane turns up, who for some reason is now obese. She wants to knob King Bungle and eat his jam tarts.

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Also, in keeping with Game Of Thrones lore, and also with Bungle lore, Bungle is mostly naked.

It is my considered opinion that George rrrr Martin got the idea for Game Of Thrones from this episode. If he wants to sue me over this point, he’d have to read this blog first. Let’s face it, I think that’s unlikely to happen.

Bungle’s outfits

As we all know, Bungle goes round naked most of the time. But sometimes he makes an effort and covers his genitals with a fetching outfit. I’m not just talking about when he wears a dress, which is every other day. Sometimes he wears actual clothes. Consider the following examples:

Outfit for breakdowns

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Let’s start with a favourite. In this story from the 1992 Rainbow annual, Geoffrey makes Bungle wear a shirt and tie when they all go to visit Geoffrey’s friends. The existence of any trousers is not known. Continue reading “Bungle’s outfits”

Rainbow: Bungle tries speed and joins the Happy Mondays

I think the correct name for this episode is ‘Exercise Is Fun’, but I prefer my title. In short – Bungle decides he’s going to go on a diet, so for the whole day he only has peas and speed.

I’m not sure why Bungle thinks he has to go on a diet. Aren’t bears supposed to be massive? He’s definitely not doing it to get into his clothes, that’s for sure. But I’m going to write about this episode because I’m a fellow diet sufferer at the moment. And by ‘sufferer’, I mean everyone around me is currently suffering because I can’t have a Chocolate Orange. According to the mister, I am “like Steven Seagal” when I’m on a diet. Apparently I do “rampaging”. He only said that because last night I punched a book. In my defence, the book wouldn’t stop playing ‘If you’re happy and you know it’.

Anyway, back to Bungle. Bungle has decided that he’s going to lose seventeen stone in half an hour. This is how he’s getting on so far –

 

Did he get those clothes from lost property? Continue reading “Rainbow: Bungle tries speed and joins the Happy Mondays”

Cartoon food is the reason I’m fat

I could probably do with losing a couple of pounds stone. I do not have big bones, or fat genes, I just love food. Food is ace. Right now, for example, I would sell my own mother for a bar of Whole Nut. Or to find a crisp down the back of the settee.

This love of food is due, in part, to the two-dimensional gourmet delights I was presented with as a child. It’s a universal fact that cartoon food is lovely, and is quite often better than the real thing. Therefore, a lot of my unnecessary eating was me trying to recreate the meals I’d seen and read about. That’s my argument and I’m sticking to it. I might sue the artists one day, but I’ve got stuff to do first, like the washing up.

This is by no means a definitive list of my favourite cartoon food, but it’s certainly a good start.

1. Beryl the Peril’s bangers and mash

EPSON MFP image Continue reading “Cartoon food is the reason I’m fat”

The 80s/90s bedroom – a style guide

Assuming you didn’t grow up as a tramp, chances are that at some point you will have had a bedroom. This is a room where you sleep, and it contains a bed and all your crap.

The bedrooms of our childhood and teenage years were sanctuaries, and more often than not shrines to a shit band or Jet from Gladiators. Conversely, grown up bedrooms are rubbish. At best, they contain a bed and a dish of ‘pot pourri’ that you have to have because you’re over 30 and it’s the civilised thing to do.

Let us get back to the far more cool and rad topic of our old bedrooms. In order to have an acceptable 80s/90s bedroom, certain items of furniture and knick-knacks were required. These included, but were by no means limited to, the items on the following list.

To start, here’s how it should be done –

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Apart from this room clearly belongs to a New Kids On The Block fan. It will serve them right if they slip on that carelessly discarded skateboard. Continue reading “The 80s/90s bedroom – a style guide”

How to have a party

How to have a party

These days, I like to do the following things when I have a party –

1. Not invite anyone

2. Not have a party

However, before I became a social recluse, I used to quite like inviting my friends round for food, games and sick. This desire was especially strong whenever I found myself getting another year closer to my own inevitable death.

Parties are an ancient human tradition, dating all the way back to 1962. Before that, people were too busy darning and being burned as witches to think about having a party. Then, one Thursday when everyone was bored and no one had the plague, someone decided that everyone should go sit in someone’s living room, even the people who hated each other. The people in the room would eat crab sticks and sandwiches, and drink something warm and stale the host found in a cupboard. Then they would sit there for 4 hours, until it was time to leave.

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A party, 1970

This gradually became an accepted social pastime. In 1979, parliament passed a bill stating that anyone who didn’t enjoy a ‘party’, as the activity had come to be known, would officially become known as a ‘billy no mates’, a ‘spanner’, and a ‘der brain’ and would be shunned by all of society. Continue reading “How to have a party”