10 random things from 1991

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Ariston, which I always thought was a deodorant, but now I realise I was thinking of Arrid Extra Dry. Ariston (and on, and on…) seems to be a brand of washing machine. I can only assume that the original 5 million machines are still in perfect working order, as no one seems to buy them any more.

Barbie videogame for NES

barbie 1991

I’m not sure why she’s doing giant washing up, or what the Zs are for. All I know is that Barbie is rad. I don’t know why there is a man in a turban offering you SODA. Continue reading “10 random things from 1991”

Bungle’s outfits

As we all know, Bungle goes round naked most of the time. But sometimes he makes an effort and covers his genitals with a fetching outfit. I’m not just talking about when he wears a dress, which is every other day. Sometimes he wears actual clothes. Consider the following examples:

Outfit for breakdowns

EPSON MFP image

Let’s start with a favourite. In this story from the 1992 Rainbow annual, Geoffrey makes Bungle wear a shirt and tie when they all go to visit Geoffrey’s friends. The existence of any trousers is not known. Continue reading “Bungle’s outfits”

Magazine battle: Hers vs Inside Wrestling

I got these two magazines from a junk shop, because that’s what I do. I haven’t looked through them yet, and I need a way to procrastinate, so I figured now was a good time to crack them open.

In the blue corner we have the December 1970 issue of Hers, which looks to be about cleaning and periods and shit, although they do promise me I can sew my own ‘glamorous party tunic’.

EPSON MFP image Continue reading “Magazine battle: Hers vs Inside Wrestling”

Cartoon food is the reason I’m fat

I could probably do with losing a couple of pounds stone. I do not have big bones, or fat genes, I just love food. Food is ace. Right now, for example, I would sell my own mother for a bar of Whole Nut. Or to find a crisp down the back of the settee.

This love of food is due, in part, to the two-dimensional gourmet delights I was presented with as a child. It’s a universal fact that cartoon food is lovely, and is quite often better than the real thing. Therefore, a lot of my unnecessary eating was me trying to recreate the meals I’d seen and read about. That’s my argument and I’m sticking to it. I might sue the artists one day, but I’ve got stuff to do first, like the washing up.

This is by no means a definitive list of my favourite cartoon food, but it’s certainly a good start.

1. Beryl the Peril’s bangers and mash

EPSON MFP image Continue reading “Cartoon food is the reason I’m fat”

The 80s/90s bedroom – a style guide

Assuming you didn’t grow up as a tramp, chances are that at some point you will have had a bedroom. This is a room where you sleep, and it contains a bed and all your crap.

The bedrooms of our childhood and teenage years were sanctuaries, and more often than not shrines to a shit band or Jet from Gladiators. Conversely, grown up bedrooms are rubbish. At best, they contain a bed and a dish of ‘pot pourri’ that you have to have because you’re over 30 and it’s the civilised thing to do.

Let us get back to the far more cool and rad topic of our old bedrooms. In order to have an acceptable 80s/90s bedroom, certain items of furniture and knick-knacks were required. These included, but were by no means limited to, the items on the following list.

To start, here’s how it should be done –

bedroom3

Apart from this room clearly belongs to a New Kids On The Block fan. It will serve them right if they slip on that carelessly discarded skateboard. Continue reading “The 80s/90s bedroom – a style guide”

How to have a party

How to have a party

These days, I like to do the following things when I have a party –

1. Not invite anyone

2. Not have a party

However, before I became a social recluse, I used to quite like inviting my friends round for food, games and sick. This desire was especially strong whenever I found myself getting another year closer to my own inevitable death.

Parties are an ancient human tradition, dating all the way back to 1962. Before that, people were too busy darning and being burned as witches to think about having a party. Then, one Thursday when everyone was bored and no one had the plague, someone decided that everyone should go sit in someone’s living room, even the people who hated each other. The people in the room would eat crab sticks and sandwiches, and drink something warm and stale the host found in a cupboard. Then they would sit there for 4 hours, until it was time to leave.

Victorian-Tea-Party
A party, 1970

This gradually became an accepted social pastime. In 1979, parliament passed a bill stating that anyone who didn’t enjoy a ‘party’, as the activity had come to be known, would officially become known as a ‘billy no mates’, a ‘spanner’, and a ‘der brain’ and would be shunned by all of society. Continue reading “How to have a party”