Argos gift tat from 1976

In December, humans buy other humans shit they don’t need. This tradition is referred to as ‘Christmas’, and dates all the way back to 1970.

Sometimes I buy people presents if I’m not bored with them yet. This normally consists of socks, bubble bath, and etc. One time I wrapped up the Mister’s glasses, but he didn’t find that funny.

In the olden days, people would buy gifts from the Argos catalogue. They still do, but I’m fucked if I know how it works these days. I think you order online, then go to the shop three weeks later and wait for the man to give you the secret password.

Anyway, let’s see what tat people bought for each other in 1976.

1. After Eight cart

1

A little pull along cart for your After Eights. You probably want to stop reading after this one, it’s all downhill from here. Continue reading “Argos gift tat from 1976”

Ideas for Christmas movies

We might put the Christmas tree up tonight, although we might not bother and just sit there staring instead. Plus, I need to work on the following screenplays.

If you steal my ideas I’ll cut you.

Now then:

Santa Vs Girls Aloud

Girls Aloud are trying to cancel Christmas because they can’t be bothered. Especially that blonde one. It’s up to Santa (played by Jason Statham and that blonde one off Girls Aloud) to stop them. There’s a good bit where Statham has a fight with the ginger one outside a Netto.

The Man Who Kicked Christmas

In this charming Jason Statham biopic, Statham (played by Jason Statham) must apologise to Santa for kicking him in a pub last week. It’s a race against time to find Santa and send him a sorry note and some nice pot pourri before he cancels Christmas. The twist is that Santa isn’t real, and Statham actually kicked a tramp but he was pissed so he got a bit mixed up.

sorry santer Continue reading “Ideas for Christmas movies”

A guide to Christmas decorations

Hello. It’s Christmas, and anyone who says it isn’t is lying. As such, it’s time to decorate your house with balls and bits of glitter. This can be a daunting task, but never fear – World Of Crap is at hand to guide you through the process. After reading this handy guide, you will be an expert at filling your house with all kinds of festive shit.

In order to successfully decorate your house for Christmas, you need to prepare by doing the following things –

  • Playing Slade, Wizzard or Band Aid on a loop until you’re sick of it and want to pull your own ears off
  • Getting a bit pissed on something you wouldn’t normally drink, like Advocaat or Cillit Bang
  • Looking for “the fucking thing” for 20 minutes before realising it’s in the drawer where you normally keep it
  • Crying for four and a half minutes

Once that’s out of the way, you can begin to transform your house into a Christmas wonderland!

1. Christmas tree

The tree itself is pretty easy to decorate. Use tinsel, things on strings, or anything that’s fairly easy to wrap around it, like tights.

tree

When it comes to hanging things on the tree, please try to be sensible. Baubles, candy canes and chocolate Santas are all acceptable, but don’t attempt to hang anything too heavy on your tree, like cutlery or chairs. Continue reading “A guide to Christmas decorations”